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By Nick Mayhew
You're from Wisconsin... artificial
light is fascinating to you.
Since we last spoke, I’ve seen two, count them, TWO concerts; Guns N Roses and
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.
Guns N Roses was just too amazing, to be put in frank terms. It’s been 10 years
since these boys hit the road for a tour, and with all that time in between,
they still managed to put on an AWESOME show. They opened with Welcome to the
Jungle, Live and Let Die, Don’t Cry, Right Next Door to Hell, Mr. Brownstone,
Sweet Child of Mine, more songs and then an amazing November Rain, and closed
with Paradise City. A REALLY good concert. Mix Master Mike and CKY opened for
them.
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band was great too. I managed to scalp the
tickets last minute and everything worked out. And I saw MAX
WEINBERG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and him hosting the Chevy Chase Roast
Speaking of which, did you guys see it? It was more of a roast for Paul than
anything. And Chevy was a jerk the whole time anyways, but it was still a decent
roast.
Katie Scott <lyrap0lar1s@yahoo.com>
writes,
Two Questions:
1) Why do you grade the musical parts of SNL when the artist's performance has
nothing to do with SNL?
2) How old are you? Is that the average age of the others reviewers?
K. Scott (I've reviewed 2 episodes this season)
Well, the musical guests contribute a huge part to the show. When you think
about it, there’s been times where the MG has drawn a crowd to the show than a
host. Getting big name MG like Bruce and the E Street Band and Mick Jagger, even
Eminem, makes a huge difference. Plus I grade on whether I like the performance
of the song live, whether I like the song, and whether I like the genre of music
(although some people insist I’m bias). I’m 17, and I’m taking a good guess
here, and I’ll say the average age of the reviewers is 19. Thanks for writing.
Embabe128@aol.com asks,
Hi. I read your reviews on Saturday-Night-Live.com, and I am writing an article
on SNL and I was wondering what is your fav. cast. Do you think SNL has gotten
suckier? Just kind of your views on it. I would really appreciate a reply.
Thanks.
Emily Rogers
Thanks for writing Emily. To be honest, may favorite cast was the crew from
1989-1994, with the likes of Phil Hartman, Jon Lovitz, Al Franken, Dana, Dennis,
Kevin and Farley. A lot of people like the 70’s and some even like the Ferrell
group, but in my opinion, there never has been a more racy or daring group than
that of that cast. That’s why that cast is so appealing to me. No, I don’t think
SNL is going downhill. With Ferrell gone, it is hard to do a show without him,
but they built his exit up so much they basically made it impossible to return
and do the show without him. The writing has been somewhat weaker, but all of
the players are still great.
DEW0131@aol.com writes,
I've read a few SNL reviews from other people before. But this being the first
I've read one of yours, and deeply impressed I might add.
But now, all the people who's reviews I have read before are gone, and they are
missed. Myself, I've attempted to write a few, but never found the time or the
speed in which to write them. I don't have a VCR, and if I did, I would probably
be as incompetent working one as any common 60+ citizen along the sun belt (God
bless 'em!).
But I digress from what I really wanted to say. . . Or maybe, that's what I
wanted to say, but in a series of thoughts. . . Anywho. . .
There's nothing I could say more than that I agree with your entire rant on the,
shall I say, "misunderstandings" of God's will. What really irritates me, are
those select group of Christians who believe they have a personal phone line to
God, and that they will be excused for any "sin" simply because "Jesus died for
your sins." -- There has to be, to some extent, where Jesus draws the line! He
couldn't have died for EVERYONE'S sins! Especially with the real jerk-offs we
have around today, and in this day and age of internet porn, Playboy cartoons
sent around the country through fax machines, and Jackson family members able to
roam freely in any country, dangling babies as they please.
But Jesus could never have died for everyone's sins. I think everyone is taking
advantage of his offer, and claiming to be under this special privilege. He had
to of set the limit somewhere, but now everyone's ripping him off. That's not
very nice, taking advantage of the son of God like that. What good is being the
fucking messiah, when people misunderstand you and take your wish for granted?
Even the people who converted to Christianity shouldn't get this kind of leeway.
That's just saying "Jesus died for my sins, even if I had no ancestors back then
who believed in Jesus, so come here slut!" People do not deserve this kind of
privilege. They're called teenage Christians, and they are not nice people.
I guess that's all I really have to say. And, oh, Yes, I've heard "We Won't Get
Fooled Again" in it's entirety many times. I still say the best version is on
"The Kids are All right," where it's played live. The quality is a little off,
but it's still great. Did you see the Who on tour this year? Great show, even
with John gone. But, alas, no "Magic Bus." They're the Who, and they didn't play
god damn "Magic Bus!"
And I don't care what anyone says, "See Me, Feel Me" is a weak finale.
Enjoyed reading your review, and I hope for more great reviews later,
- Peace, Love, and Happiness,
Dave.
You really have a good point there. That’s like your won rant there. The Who are
awesome; my fave bad hands down. And yes, “We Won’t Get Fooled Again” is my
favorite song ever as well. Thanks for your comments and for writing.
Write to the mailbag!
Pinballwizard46@yahoo.com!
Let’s see what’s new in the world this week. Hollywood star Russell Crowe is
about to pop the big question to long-time Australian girlfriend Danielle
Spencer. Yea, Spencer is expected to say, “Yes! You’re movies are boring!”
Musician Moby was assaulted by three men outside a Boston club on Wednesday
night, but the singer claims he wasn't hurt that badly. He also thanked fans for
their support. He admits though, he probably shouldn’t have worn his “I Heart
Osama” shirt.
Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth is feuding with his old band over secret
contracts that were formed without awareness by Roth. Apparently, Roth is also
feuding with them over who’s been out of a job longer.
Transit workers in New York are extremely close to going on strike over wages
claiming that they are severely underpaid for their subway duties. If the strike
does occur, this will leave millions of New Yorkers stranded without being able
to travel. On the upside though, New Yorkers will not have to smell like urine.
Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O'Neal made an appearance at a mall in LA
this past week- dressed up as Santa. Yea, although mall security forced him to
leave after he promised a little girl “Oral Sex Elmo” for Christmas.
You know, when you think about it, the Third World countries are like the drunk
guys at your high school reunion. You have the people at the reunions who don’t
get drunk, that’s the U.S., you have the people who do get drunk but can still
function as a normal human being without shitting up society, that’s the Second
World, or the Communist faction, then you have the people who are the complete
narcissistic assholes and pass out cold on the floor, that would be the Irish,
the Third World. Now , I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the Third
World has been mired in corruption and debt for so long, you'd think it was a
major US corporation.
Disparity among nations has been around forever, but only now is there a push to
do something about it. When the top nations get together at the G-8 summit, they
discuss the Third World like a family trying to figure out what to do with
Grandpa.
For me, the Third World is any country where the soccer game is called on
account of locusts, where even the people working in the unemployment office are
on welfare. I'm talking about the poorest of the poor. Countries where dust is a
condiment.
Countries where pimps take the bus. For many developing countries progress is
hobbled by decades of internal strife. Colombia's leaders have been battling
leftist guerrillas for thirty years. Somalia has suffered factional strife for
so long, you can actually buy four completely different civil war chess sets.
America is, in part, to blame, for the Third World's financial mismanagement
because, for a long time, we would send them billions of dollars with fewer
strings attached than Pinocchio after electrolysis. How did we expect them to
repay it? We don't want buy their Elvis mosaics made out of lentils, so they
have to borrow even more money to stay afloat. It's a classic catch-22 billion.
Lest we tar ourselves with the brush of despotism, it is an absolute,
unrelenting, irresistible moral imperative that we cancel these nation's debts,
unless, of course, it somehow turns out that I'm the one they owe.
The biggest problem facing citizens of the third world is one quite literally of
their own making, and that is over-population. Hey folks one way to conserve
precious energy is to NOT FUCK EVERY 12 SECONDS. I have to admit I get a little
angry when I read about the starving family consisting of a mother, father and
TWENTY-THREE CHILDREN. Fer chrissakes lady, it's a vagina, not a clown car.
With the populations of these places climbing exponentially every year, you have
to wonder, where do they get the energy to fuck? I mean, they're starving and
yet they still have enough stamina for sex. I forget to eat my between-brunch
and-lunch high protein Strawberry Yogurt Powerbar, and eight hours later, I
can't get the mini-Dune-Worm to perk up if I attach live jumper cables to my
balls.
The state of Third World education is abysmally low. Strapped for resources, the
typical classroom is massively overcrowded, lacking in even the most basic
supplies and textbooks, and led by teachers who can barely make a living on what
they earn. In other words, just like our public schools but not as heavily
armed.
I will admit that these people do amazing things with what few resources they
have. Take dung for instance. It's like the duct tape of the third world. They
not only use it to fertilize, but burn it for heat, turn it into thatched
cottages and even nifty houseware items. You have nations in Africa where "track
lighting" means adding more wicks to the camel turd. I had a friend who came
back from the Serengeti with a 16 piece punch bowl set made completely out of
wildebeast shit. These are the Martha Stewarts of critter scat.
You know, if we are going to solve the problems of these countries, we must
remember history. Originally, the "Third World" was called that as a term of
contrast to the first world - the industrialized capitalist nations - and the
second world - the communist bloc. Now that there isn't a communist bloc, I
propose that we start calling the Third World "the Second World." Just like
that, no more Third World poverty, no more Third World violence, no more Third
World debt. No, please, no need to thank me. I just want to help mankind.
Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.
I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at
pinballwizard46@yahoo.com
Tonight’s guest was the former Vice President of the United States during Bill
“Suck my wango” Clinton’s administration. Please welcome Al Gore.
[COLD OPENING] Gore gets worried over Tipper
I really didn’t even think about SNL doing a parody of this; but I was caught
off guard and it was quite humorous. The dialogue between Lorne and Jimmy was
funny, and of course, my main man Tracy comes in to save the day.
Jimmy: Uhh, Lorne, what’s that?
Lorne: Oh Lord, what the hell is coming out of his pants?!
It must’ve been that Tipper actually just got there, cause she missed her cue.
But this still was a great opening. Oddly enough, I was thinking this just hours
before the show that they really haven’t had one of those cold openings where
they go backstage with the cast in awhile, so that was good stuff.
RATING: 9/10
[MONOLOGUE] Al Gore
C’mon Don Pardo, you can say his name. And this was a fantastic monologue. But
seriously, The Bachelor has to be the gayest show on earth. That show makes
Frank DeCaro look like John Rocker. I like Parny’s impression of Joe when he did
it in 2000 rather than this one. Seth’s was bland, and Kattan’s was good too. Al
and Parnell in the hot tub together is hands down one of the best moments of the
season thus far. Good stuff.
RATING: 9.5/10
[SKETCH] Hardball
I thought Darrell would have a huge role in tonight’s show, but it doesn’t seem
that way. Gore had a mackin’ Trent Lott impression, who in my personal opinion,
should resign as Minority Leader. What he said was to far and all those speeches
he made saying he’s sorry was 100% Grade A Bullshit. He was talking from his ass
and he’s full of it. Do we want him as our soon to be Majority Leader? But
still, this was still an awesome Hardball, although not as good as the McCain
one. I saw Sharpton on Donahue this week and he was full of it then too. Tracy
made this sketch. And Amy had some good lines.
RATING: 8.5/10
[SKETCH] Fiesta Politica
Hey Maya, go bend over you dumbass comedian. They put this before Daily
Affirmations!?!?!?!?!?!?! This sucked so bad. Had it not been for Horatio and
those wicked funny faces, I may have punched my TV. Maya was just so annoying, I
nearly put it on mute.
Maya: Umm, Lorne, can I have some lines in this weeks show?
Lorne: Yes Maya, but NBC is requiring me to have you speak like someone hit you
in the balls so it covers our psycho and dumbass demographic.
RATING: 3/10
[FILM] Gore on the West Wing
This reeked of hilarity and to top it off, the cast of the West Wing shows up. I
like John Spencer, but that’s no way to treat a man who more people in America
wanted him President in 2000 but was denied it because of a flaw in our
Constitution. This had some real good stuff.
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] Jarrett’s Room
Lorne’s pulling a Ferecito again. Why does no one get or laugh at Seth’s
character? It’s practically the funniest thing in the sketches. This wasn’t that
special, bland I suppose. But PHISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Robert Randolph is
awesome. Just average I suppose.
RATING: 6.5/10
[MUSIC] Phish
YES! PHISH!!!!!! This was an awesome song.
RATING: 9/10
[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
We had some good jokes going here; Rosie, the vagina one, all the Trent Lott
ones, but as usual, the audience is full of losers who don’t get the jokes. The
commentary wasn’t that strong but not bad. Bob Barron had told me he talked to
Tina at 1 pm Saturday afternoon and they hadn’t started working on Update yet.
Well, it kinda showed. But well done.
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley
FRANKEN!!!!!!!!! You know, when people look back on the years of SNL,
particularly the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s, you think of great cast members like
Gilda, Dan, Phil, Dennis, Dana but no one really mentions Al. Al was the best
writer on the writing team and whenever he was in sketches he was amazing. And
he was daring too, like the Fred Silverman commentary. But he’s back doing his
recurring, and it was quite funny. Here I am watching my role model making fun
of himself on TV, but it was all in good humor and it was an A+ sketch.
RATING: 9.5/10
[SKETCH] Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Jeff is back. He’s too good to be wasted on SNL like he is. He had a great
impression, and my girl Amy was great too. Who thought Gore could be this funny?
RATING: 9/10
[TV FUNHOUSE] A Cartoon by Robert Smigel
I enjoyed this parody, all be it not totally as funny as I expected it to be.
RATING: 7.5/10
[MUSIC] Phish
Another great song.
[SKETCH] Tracy and Maya sing
Why would someone put possibly the funniest person on the show with the least
funniest person on the show? Doesn’t make sense, now does it? But wait,
DEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RATING: 3/10
[SKETCH] I Wish it was Christmas Today
This is a nice way to end the show, and what would Christmas be without it?
RATING: 9/10
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley
PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Amy Poehler
QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews on Hardball,
“You’ve got a better chance of keeping Liza Minelli out of the medicine
cabinet!”
OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 77/100
While I don’t think this is better than McCain, it came very close. McCain had a
few great sketches that brought the show up, but this show had a lot of
consistency which made it a really great show. Now, the two best shows of the
season have been hosted by politicians. Coincidence? I think not. Who’s the host
next year? No one knows. Happy holidays to all and to all a hell of a night.
Guess what folks? That’s the news and I am outta here…