Matthew McConaughey / The Dixie Chicks

By Nick Mayhew

Dr. Phil’s Words of Wisdom- “From this point forward I want you to start living as a gay woman.” What the hell does that mean?

Next Saturday I’m going down to see SNL, I think the Live show. I go last year too and a hot actress hosts; and I go again and another hot actress hosts. Conspiracy? I think not; they’re all naturally attracted to me. The Sunday morning after the show I fly out to Italy for one week to return the following Monday, so I’ll post some real short reviews on those eppys.

Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and the Kids in the Hall on Letterman

Which incase you didn’t see it, it was all 5 members dressed as men playing poker discussing what their lives would be like as women and the problems women have with their bodies. It was quite funny.

Jy921@msn.com writes,

Hey Nick,

Long time no talk!!!!! Well I have to say that I am really disappointed in this season of SNL. The only good hosts were John McCain and Al Gore. And I expected Al to be boring, but he surprised me. I am also disappointed in Jimmy Fallon. It seems like he isn't really into SNL anymore now that he is famous and all. I think he forgot that the only reason he is famous is because of SNL. Do you agree w/me? Anyway I can't believe Lorne got ADVIL LATRINE!!!(Avril Lavigne) She has got to be the most fakest singer out there. She sings like a croaking rooster on viagra and she acts like she owns the world. She says she's real, but I feel she's not at all. If I want a REAL musical guest I would hope for Grateful Dead, 21 Pennies, El Nino, Alice in Chains, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, and Korn. Now that's what I call a musical guest list. Phish is the best so far. I'm glad Chris is back and Seth and Amy and Dean and Tracy are gettin good parts this season. As you know Maya and Kattan need to go. So that's how I feel so far about this season. Sincerly Stephanie

P.S. You're only 17!!!! (me too) I thought you were 20!!!! Give my regards to Chris Parnell if you ever see him. ~*~Thanks~*~

Hey Stephanie. As usual, thanks for writing. Compared to the past several seasons of SNL, this is the most disappointing out of all of them. I’m not saying I hate this season, it hasn’t been bad at all really, but nothing by Emmy standards. It seems like every other show turns out decent or good. McCain and Gore were the best hosts by far this season, with Ray Liotta coming close. Jimmy’s got the equivalent to senioritis (which I have by the way). Lorne has done a decent job with the guests as a whole this year. You’re MG list there is awesome- all should appear. Tracy has been hilarious this year, and he’s doing a great job taking of some of Ferrell’s roles in the show, although it seems now this will most likely be his last season. Good thoughts and write again soon.

p.s.- I am 17, and yes, single.

Kelly, TheStatsGirl@aol.com,writes,

Nothing major to comment here-- just wanted to say that I like the reviews, and keep up the good work! :-)

-KeLLy :-)

p.s.- I just got finished reading through your comments--hilarious!! :-) Ever think about being on SNL? :-)

Thanks for writing Kelly. Always appreciate a nice email. Of course I’ve thought about being on SNL- it’d be really cool to even get a shot at it. Only time will tell.

Etiswrinkley@aol.com writes,

hey i agreed with you on your review,but how the hell are the donnas trying to be like the strokes? ive liked The Donnas for about 3 years now,longer than The Strokes have been around.Maybe the strokes are trying to be like the donnas.

I think I misspoke when I said that; I should’ve said that the Donnas and the Strokes are very similar in background, style, performance and whatnot.

DropKickJusty@hotmail.com writes,

Have you seen that snl short film called "The H is O" with ben stiller and will ferrel. Will ferrel is glenn fry from the eagles and ben stiller has a one night stand with him. Its hilarious... That short film has a great little soundtrack also. Do you have any ideas where i could find more info on what the names of those songs are, or more information about the skit? Thanks a bunch

love the site,
J

Yea, I’ve seen it- it’s good stuff, sometimes odd and creepy, but good. Try Kazaa maybe? It’s worth a shot. Thanks for supporting SNLHQ.

Sadman64@optonline.net asks,

i was wondering if you knew the name of the song that was played during a sketch. it had will ferrell playing a cow bell, and it was from a couple years ago. that's all i remember. thank you :)

That song is called “Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult. As long as were talking bands, Friday night I saw a band called “The Machine” at Northern Lights. It’s a tribute band; now, can you tell me which band? Alright, it’s Pink Floyd. After waiting for nearly 3 hours for them to come on, it was well worth the wait. They opened with Welcome to the Machine, did Time, Hey You, Breathe, Money, and all of their other hits. If they come around to your town, I highly recommend this concert.

Last, but certainly not least, Hugh Delony, webmaster@saturdaynightlive.tv, writes,

Thanks again! It has been added.

Hugh is talking about my reviews, which can be seen at his site, saturdaynightlive.tv.

Don’t keep the my mailbag thirst while I’m away. Write to it at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com

Let’s see what’s new in the world this week. Michael Jackson appeared on an ABC special Thursday, admitting that he has allowed children to sleep with him in his bed. Yea, in his defense though, Jackson said the child he last slept with was R. Kelly.

It was reported this week in Oregon that there is a shortage of salmon in the Pacific Ocean, and says until reproduction rates go up, the price of salmon will increase sharply. Yea, on the bright side though, they say the shortage will only last 4-5 J. Lo marriages.

After weeks of speculation, cable news network MSNBC confirmed on Thursday that former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura will host a talk show on the network. Yea, apparently it’s all part of MSNBC’s plan to make it a round the clock WWE network.

Film critic Roger Ebert is recuperating from follow-up surgery for papillary cancer, a common and curable type of thyroid cancer. His recovery tough? 2 thumbs up.

Ever wish that the mother of some weird kid that you hate had an abortion? Yea, me too. Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, because the topic is basically a minefield - Abortion. I couldn't be anymore on tiptoes if the show was being produced by George Balanchine. This is the Big Debate, and I'm talking bigger than who was the better Darren on Bewitched. Abortion is our nation's "Final Jeopardy," and I'll wager, Alex, that if our nation fights another Civil War, it will be about this. And I would remind you that this all from my perspective, the male perspective, a one-step-removed perspective, because I will obviously never have to decide on whether or not I should have an abortion. And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow. Having men decide the fate of a woman's reproductive system makes about as much sense as asking Quentin Crisp to coach the Raiders.

All right, enough qualifying, let's get on with it. There's no doubt that passions run high on both sides, and this issue has created a divide in this country not seen since Carly Simon last yawned in public. The prevailing opinions on a woman's freedom to choose are going further to the right than a Greg Norman tee shot.
Pro-life activists attempt to paint anyone pro-choice as having no morals. On the other side of the ledger, pro-choicers are tagging pro-lifers as crazed and backward bible-thumpers bent on running the lives of the people who disagree with them. The truth, as always, is, the case of human endeavors lies somewhere in between. As much as the advance scouts on either side of this issue might not want to admit it, good people do get abortions and other good people are pained by their decision to get one.

Where do I stand? Well, I'm like most of you, I presume, I think there are far too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of my business. Look, there are always going to be arguments on this issue. The debate will rage until the end of time no matter what the whim of the Papal infallibility or the politics of the decade. But the simple truth is, that such a passionate and personal decision dictates that the choice be left to the individual. And you know, that's really all we can do, because we're just human beings, stumbling around in the dark, trying to get to the bathroom and kicking the shit out of our shins on the way there.

Now there's some things all right-minded human beings should agree on. We should all agree that abortions should be legal in the case of rape, incest and when the mother's life is at risk -- that's just common sense. But excluding that obvious assumption, everything else in the abortion arena is "in play." There are many quagmires complicating this issue. Religion. Now it seems that religion is most often the backboard for every bank shot put up by someone making it their business to get into your business. Roman Catholic doctrine forbids abortion. Fine. Take that into consideration when you make your decision. Right-to-life proponents contend that abortion is immoral. Fine. Take that into consideration when you make your decision. Another pothole on the road to a sensible resolution to abortion is "when does life begin?" At conception? When a heartbeat is detected? At the first drawn breath? You know, for me it wasn't until last Tuesday. Until then I was just a sperm with an accountant! Okay, so those are the variables, and there are obviously millions more variables that make each individual case unique. But the more you think about it, and the more it makes your head spin, and the more confused you get trying to figure out someone else's life for them, it becomes increasingly apparent that it has to be the call of the individual who is pregnant, because the collective, one way or another, won't have to suffer the consequences of that most personal of all decisions.

It’s time to suck it up. Look deep into your immortal soul (if you believe you have one) and do the right thing. Have the courage and strength to live your own life, by your own standards, and stop trying to call the shots for everyone else. We all live with glaring inconsistencies, and sometimes, when you see something going on right in front of you that offends you to the very core of your being, sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away, because you know that's exactly what you would want them to do for you. There's only one judge on all this and that's God. And you don't get to meet him until you go backstage after the play is over. And believe me, you do not want to get a "thumbs down" from the guy who created thumbs, all right? In the interim, everybody has got to tend their own garden vis-a-vis abortion. And remember, when it comes to your body, only you wear the robes, and only you carry the gavel.

Of course that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com

Tonight’s guest can be seen in the new motion picture “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” opposite Kate Hudson. Please welcome Matthew McConaughey.


[COLD OPENING] UN Meeting

This had a lot of potential from a funny joke, but it just kinda went on a bit long. Don’t get me wrong- I thought it was a decent opening but it seemed to me that there were just too many unnecessary players in this skit.

Lorne (at 11:25): Uhh, hey Dean, you’re in the cold opening in like 5 minutes
Dean (looks at Lorne funny for a minute then balls out laughing): Hahahaha.

Parnell had probably the best lines of the skit. Kattan actually made me laugh for the first time in a while; it may have been a somewhat childish impression but nonetheless funny.

RATING: 7.5/10

[MONOLOGUE] Matthew McConaughey

My first impression of the skit was: zzZzzzzZzzzZzz. But once he went backstage things got all better. I don’t think I’ve seen Tracy do a bit funnier than this all year. The writers were on their toes for this one. Funniest line of the skit had to be when Matthew was walking by Kattan and he said, “Yea Mango should be a movie.” Which is funny in and of itself. Tracy carries another skit. Well done.

RATING: 7/10

[SKETCH] Blind Date

This was an absolutely awesome premise and I thought it was the best idea SNL had for a non-recurring sketch in a long time. I mean, he was wrong on most accounts of Rachel’s age and whatnot, but was he really wrong about her weight? That was mean. I’m sorry Rachel. A good skit.

RATING: 9/10

[COMMERCIAL] NutriQuick

Sadly, this may have been Jeff’s highlight of the year.

[SKETCH] Jarrett’s Room

Jarrett’s Room has seen its days. Well, its days are over. It had a lot of strength when it debuted 2 years ago, but its just gotten to be repetitive and old. I still laugh at most things but it’s generally out of stupidity. Horatio makes me laugh sometimes and it seems lately that’s really the only big role he gets. In the history of cameos on the show; this had to be the most pointless; no need for them at all. Seth tried his best to salvage something and he was wicked funny.

RATING: 5/10

[SKETCH] War Protest

Again, this was a great idea woven together nicely for an awesome sketch. I thought “Oh boy, another anti-war skit; the same as usual. But it turned out very funny. Parnell had the best line of the night with “not my kind of porn.” They had Amy speak, but why didn’t they show that gorgeous face of hers that I’m gonna see next week? Well done again by the writers.

RATING: 10/10

[MUSIC] The Dixie Chicks

I washed my work clothes during this segment but in between my washer and dryer going, it sounded alright.

RATING: 8/10

[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

First off, all jokes were liked in this. Secondly, the intro to the orange warning system thing was funny. ABC had their biggest rated Thursday night in 6 years or something, and it was because of Michael Jackson, and yet, there was no Michael Jackson commentary in the entire WU which blows really bad. Lorne needs to chill with this whole makeup thing and if you can’t figure out who it is it’s not going on the air; that’s ridiculous. But we were compensated with Joe Jackson, and Tracy was hilarious as usual. His line about beating him till candy comes out was golden. It’s a shame he won’t be around next season if his sitcom gets picked up. The Forte/Armisen thing was amusing and this WU gets a thumbs up.

RATING: 9.5/10

[SKETCH] Euro TV

This again features a POSSIBLE recurring sketch. Maya seemed just like her annoying self but Fred looked like he was really getting into character, and I have to say I like his better than Maya’s. It was just a really bad spoof at a European TRL type show that went wrong. Matt was funny, saving the skit from total failure.

RATING: 5/10

[SKETCH] Storyteller

Yea, this sketch again had a great premise; one of those that sounds awesome at read through but in practice just didn’t fit. The presence of Tracy and having him walk through the office was hilarious itself. I can’t wait to talk to him next week.

RATING: 5.5/10

[SKETCH] ???

I really didn’t like this much, save Rachel. Rachel as a lesbian- now that’s totally and radically uncool to even put that into my mind.

RATING: 6.5/10

[MUSIC] The Dixie Chicks

I dug this.

[COMMERCIAL] Chili

George Carlin mode on. TIME FOR A FEW FART JOKES!!!!!! George Carlin mode off. I suppose it was funny for some filler at the end of the show.

RATING: 7/10


SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: War Protest

PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Tracy Morgan

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Dialogue between Matthew McC and Parnell in the War Protest skit,
Matthew: “Porn is legal.”
Parnell: “Not my kind of porn.”


OVERALL EPISDOE RATING: 66/100

The last grade on my AP test, this show gets a 66. It had a lot of good moments and ideas with very funny sketches, but it had a few clunkers that took this show down faster than Star Jones at an All-you-can-eat-buffet. Matthew McC did a really good hosting job, which has been few and far between this year. Next week Jennifer Garner and I’ll get to see her live and rat-e-tat-tat, I’m out in a flash, I’ll talk to you all later this month.

Guess what folks? That’s the news and I am outta here…