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By Nick Mayhew
Better late than never, am I right
people?
My apologizes for reviewing so late, but it was my turn Friday night to close at
the store, and Saturday and Sunday I worked too, out and about both nights, and
then I had a huge AP essay to write followed by studying for a midterm. So, I’m
back in gear here, even though I understand many of you have already lost
interest in the show since it is Wednesday (that’s when this will be posted
anyways).
As long as I’m in this self-indulgence thing, February is gonna be a weird month
for me- as I’ll be in New York for 3 days then out of the country in Italy for
about a week. I’m planning to see SNL February 15th then fly out to Italy Sunday
morning and won’t return until the following Monday. My reviews will be VERY
late, so bear with me.
Sports review-
Well, this is it folks. I think it’s a great matchup and will be an even better
game. I’m gonna go with the Raiders on this one, and I’m not picking favorites,
it’s just that’s the team my paycheck this week is riding on. Kickoff at 6:18
p.m- I have to open the store and work all day Sunday, and I think I’m the only
guy in the store the whole day which makes it reek of uncoolness. I’m reading
this article right now on how Al Davis supposedly saved the team- which I think
is bull. You’ve got to hand it to Tim Brown and Rice for the comeback.
Rangers win 5-0!!!!!!!!! Barnaby had like 30 saves and was unstoppable. Lindros
continues to act as God.
Celts are in a commanding 2nd. An impressive win over Philly Monday night.
Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and Bill Murray making an awesome appearance Friday
night
Sean, Ozolinsh8@aol.com writes,
Hi Nick,
I'm wondering if you might have a videotape of the Matt Damon/Bruce
Springsteen video from earlier this season. I'm desperate to get one to
settle a bet. I would be happy to pay you for your trouble. Or if you
could point me in the right direction, I'd appreciate it. Thanks much...
Sean Kelly
Hey Sean. They just repeated the season premiere a few weeks ago,so it won’t be
on the air again for quite awhile. But, you can go to http://snltranscripts.org
for transcripts of the show and that might help.
Tanya and eddie" eddiel@winslow-az.net write,
saturday night live,is going to the the category of a trashey show.thats why its
on at 2 in the morning.need some new writers.but who cares what i think,im just
another stupid viewer.just sit down and really whatch it you will see what i
mean. these actors must be hard up for money. --please e-mail me if you want. 2@
2
Salutations. Saturday Night Live is not trashy, it’s an excellent show. It is in
fact on at 11:30 p.m each Saturday night. There were 6 new writers hired this
season. You are right about one thing, you aren’t the most, shall I say,
optimistic viewer, but that’s alright.
Write to the mailbag before I leave for New York and Europe! Pinballwizard46@yahoo.com
Let’s see what’s new in the world this week. Grammy-winning rhythm and blues
singer R. Kelly was arrested in Miami on Wednesday on new child pornography
charges resulting from the discovery of sex pictures found at his Florida home
last year. The charges were reduced though when the judge found out the pictures
were of the Olsen twins, cause they’re just really hot. You can’t blame a fella
for liking them.
FOX is in talks with Variety to produce a spinoff series of the popular sitcom
in the 60’s, Mr. Ed, and looking at possible stars like Eddie Griffin, Eddie
Murphy, and any other loser who hasn’t had a decent film in 15 years.
British actors spent the past week bringing popular Shakespeare plays back to
Iraq testing the sensitivities of the Islamic Republic’s authority. Yea,
apparently it’s all part of Britain’s plan to make Iraq gay.
Today’s corporate world is more vulnerable than Pee Wee Herman at an adult
bookstore; we just don’t know who to put our trust in these days. Now, I don't
want to get off on a rant here, but from Worldcom execs hiding losses like they
were frozen Three Musketeer bars in Anna Nicole Smith's house, to Arthur
Anderson shredding paper like Captain Hook rolling a joint, Americans are
finally putting corporate culture under the microscope and they still can't see
their investments.
As our government goes over the books from the past previous years we are
learning some new things. We're discovering that not only do good times not last
forever, but sometimes they never even existed in the first place.
One reason for the recent corporate scandals is that the late 90s boom years
created a culture in which a company's head honchos could basically do whatever
they wanted. They were their own moral compass. They could make their own rules,
and break their own rules, and go as far outside the box as their restless
spirits longed to soar. They were living in one nonstop SUV commercial.
Throughout the 80's and 90's, CEO's were treated like rock stars. Unfortunately,
we've now reached the point on Behind The Music where the ominous voice says,
"But just then, Enron Board Member Vince Neill decided they needed to go out for
more beer..."
The democratization of the stock market in some respects turned many workers
into their own executioner. And don't ask me what that means. By having a 401K
invested in the company they worked for they ended up rooting for the stock to
rise even if it meant having to be laid off in order to accomplish that. Not
only did they end up losing their jobs-they had to complement their boss's
business acumen for doing it.
You can tell the difference between pre- and post-Enron corporate America. Where
previously annual reports were elaborate, richly colored multi-media
presentations, today many corporations simply send out a one-page mimeograph of
the Fifth Amendment.
Look, I've got no beef with people making money. What baffles me is how shocked
everyone seems to be that all these CEOs were carrying on under-the-table deals.
These guys are more adept at under-the-table than Julie Christie in "Shampoo."
Hey, if you were pulling in ten figures a year, and you started to see your
dynasty crumble like a Ritz cracker in Jiminy Glick's back pocket, wouldn't you
cook the books at 451 degrees fahrenheit? As a matter of fact, you don't even
have to cook the books any more. You just have to simmer them, because in the
present-day looking glass world of corporate accounting, red is the new black.
There are exceptions. The antithesis of CEO-as-rock-star has got to be Warren
Buffett. Doesn't drive a fancy car, stays away from the hottest trends, invests
in boring things like carpeting and insurance, sublimates any eccentric or
flashy impulses by building a massive underground lair staffed by genetically
engineered meerkats who will one day rule the globe when mankind destroys itself
through nuclear war. Come on, I can't be the only one who reads his annual
reports all the way through... I put all my money Jimmy Buffet. I don't know how
the stock'll do, but the shareholder meetings are a gas.
But unfortunately, as our system stands, the one who always ends up shafted is
the little guy, not the billionaire CEO. It's the 50-year-veteran. The guy who
started working at the foundry when it was just two steamy, cramped rooms in
someone's basement, but slowly inched his way up to assistant foreman through
sheer elbow grease. Now he's 30 seconds from retirement, the company's gone
bankrupt, and his pension fund is emptier than the stands at a Chumbawamba
concert, so he's got to get a second job bussing tables at one of those Panda
Shit chinese food joints.
So I don't want to see some CEO going to jail for three years a minimum-security
prison that doubles as a community college during the day. I want them to
witness the damage they caused up close. I think they should be sentenced to
community service sorting the shoe bin at Goodwill in a low-income neighborhood
to get a sense of how real people have to get by. Make Kenneth Lay work the
drive-thru at Jack In The Boxso I can literally hear that lying bastard's voice
coming out of a clown's mouth. Just don't drive away without checking that you
got everything you ordered.
What I'd actually like to see is these guys do hard time in hard prison. See how
they like it when we let the warden get creative with the books keeping their
sentences. You want to make sure this doesn't happen again, put these losers in
with the general population who are doing 10-20 for stealing a scintilla of what
these guys did. Then make sure there is a live "Big Brother" shower-cam feed
into every CEO's office in the country. You are going to think twice about
cheating the numbers when you spot your ex-golf partner all lathered up with a
windchime hanging from his ass.
Of course that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.
I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com
Tonight’s guest co-stared in the film GoodFellas, and is here tonight to promote
his latest work, please welcome Ray Liotta.
[COLD OPENING] Donald Rumsfeld Press Conference
Darrell with an impression is always the way out, although I heard a Bush
opening got cut, which I would’ve liked to have seen, but this was alright in
its place. I finally got the Nancy Sinatra thing, which was well done by Darrell
& Co. Darrell takes a chug of the hard stuff- he’ll be going into depression
shortly folks. After all, its almost March. They showed Lenny and the band;
cool.
RATING: 9/10
[MONOLOGUE] Ray Liotta
To the contrary of other people, I enjoyed this monologue. It was actually one
of those interactive monologues, and oh boy! They went all the way up to the 9th
floor! Quite a catchy tune to be singing too and it got the whole audience
going. Jimmy getting punched was pretty funny too, but I was sorta hoping for a
GoodFellas reunion here, cause that would’ve kicked so much ass.
Me: “Hey Ray, I’m from New York!”
Ray: “You’re awesome, sir!”
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] Live with Regis and Kelly
Kelly really is a dumb bitch. Darrell always delivers with his Reg impression
and Amy has a really good Kelly impression; so I’m thinking they should do this
skit again this year cause this one stank with hilarity. Kattan really did have
a great role in this playing Gellman, and did it almost perfectly, not to
mention funny. Ray did a fairly decent Caruso, and the rest was all
peachy-crème.
RATING: 9.5/10
[SKETCH] The Girl with Humongous Breasts
Ok, in the cast we have Amy, who is so hot and has a great body, Maya who has a
great body, Tina who has a slamming body too, and they have Rachel play boob
girl? I suppose that’s just because she’s got the largest chest on the show.
This was a whole lot of fun to watch, and for some odd reason watching Rachel’s
chest bounce around like basketballs at a Harlem Globetrotter’s game was all too
funny. Jimmy and Ray had a good sketch too.
RATING: 8.5/10
[SKETCH] The Falconer
This sketch really has a funny premise but for some reason just never does that
well. This sketch had its moments, but all in all just didn’t cut it, even with
the stupid things the falcon did and Will’s voice being really funny.
RATING: 6/10
[COMMERCIAL] Straight Talk
This has to be my favorite parody of the season. Parny coming out and acting
like a total corporate selfish evil mangling tycoon made this skit really
awesome, and my man Jim Downey makes another appearance this year. Wicked cool.
Excellent commercial.
RATING: 10/10
[SKETCH] Hannibal
This sketch also had a great premise but in reality wasn’t that funny. Darrell
again delivers a great impression, and some of the dialogue was good, but it was
kinda flat. Pat O’Brien again. This time with a better opening. Tina in a
sketch. And, holy shit, DEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He made it into a
sketch before WU!!! And as Bob Barron pointed out, with Tina in the same
sketch!!!! This is groundbreaking. Not to mention I really dug his impression
which was dead on and therefore he deserves some more air time. Skit did ok.
RATING: 6.5/10
[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
This was a fantastic Update. News, commentaries, and a joke off. They were on
their game this week. Tina’s bombed joke really made up with the follow through.
The return of Tim that is Calhoun was right on the money, and ridiculously
insane as last time, and if this dude is a Dem, he’s got my vote. I’ve been
reading that not many people liked Tracy’s bit, but I found it funny as usual,
just straight up Tracy. The metrocard joke was funny, seeing that happened to me
just last time I was in NY in May on my way to the Dunst Live show. Joke off was
decent too. Kudos Tina and Jimmy.
RATING: 9.5/10
[MUSIC] The Donnas
They were surprisingly good and I watched both performances with a pleased look
on my face. For a chick-trying- to- copy- The Strokes band, they did good. I’m
so pumped up I’m gonna see Beck live.
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] The Hangman
I found this funny for the most part with a ridiculous premise. Rachel as an old
lady made me want to stand outside in the cold for about 30 minutes. Rachel has
the Maya part tonight- she’s playing all the whore parts
RATING: 6/10
[SKETCH] Top ‘O the Morning
I’m glad this is recurring- it’s quite funny. Seth was awesome in this, and
Jimmy, well, yea, but it was a good sketch for near end of the show.
RATING: 6.5/10
[MUSIC] The Donnas
Another good performance
[SKETCH] Casino Night
I’m gonna come out and say it. I liked this skit and Kattan was funny with the
help of Armisen. A very good sketch for ending the show.
RATING: 7/10
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Live with Regis and Kelly
PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Will Forte
QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Amy Poehler as the wife in The Hangman, “I’m
not going to ask my Grandma to bone the Hangman!”
OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 70/100
It had a lot of great ups, with some downs. Ray did an awesome job as host, 2nd
best of the season next to my man Al Gore. We saw lots of Will tonight which was
great, lots of Jimmy and Amy, and even Darrell who I was going to make player of
the night, but Tim “When are we gonna have a China person on the Supreme Court?
I propose never” Calhoun was just too funny. As I close listening to Peter
Gabriel I say,
Guess what folks? That’s the news and I am outta here…