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By Nick Mayhew
Gather the kids around, kick up your feet, and pop open a cold one. This is one long son of a bitch.
Sports report-
Yanks have an easy series this weekend against the Twins, so that's easy enough for us. Summer improvement would be nice so we dominate again come October. This team is coming back. Boston is doing surprisingly well, considering they haven't done anything since 1918.
Celts advanced. Woohoo! Antoine Walker leads the way. Will they pull it off against the Nets? Hard to ay, but I'm pulling for Boston. Will Lakers win it all? NO they won't.
We all want the Leafs to kill- enough said. Ottawa cleared the way for them.
Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and summer voice lessons
This one comes from Clayman200014@aol.com
Pinball,
Please you must be kidding 2pac and Biggy have been the best. Maybe your rock and roll ( which was started bye blacks) brain has had to much liquor! Latino music also been miss represented please get a life.
WEB DUBOIS
Ummmmmmmmmm, yea. Who the hell is Biggy? My upstate NY democratic mind is not familiar with this name. Was rock and roll started by African Americans? Ever heard of The Beatles? I thought so. I like getting the emails but you need more of a life than Diane Sawyer hunting for an interview while twirling Peter Jennings hairpiece around on one finger and feeding Star Jones Ding Dong's with another. I'll give you my word and a nod of the hat when I ask you to get a life.
"Ford C. Greene" greenef@attglobal.net asks:
Mr. Wizard,
Was the Rap featured on Weekend Update real or written specifically for
SNL and by whom?
Ford
Hi Ford. The rap on Weekend Update was written specifically for Weekend Update and was kind of a play on of when Chris Parnell did the almost the same rap two years ago when Britney Spears hosted. Lyrics were done by Chris Parnell and some of the writers and the music was composed by Lenny Pickett, the Musical Director.
Jocelyn, Jocelyn013@aol.com writes:
I think your reviews are great and funny and shit but i have a question... Why is it that you think girls aren't supposed to think that Jimmy Fallon is hot but you throw comments in your reviews like like "there's nothing i would change - besides the fact that Amy should have been naked." Isn't that a *bit* hypocritical?
* Jocelyn *
Well thanks for writing and reading my reviews. As for your question, Jimmy fans can scream and shout all they want; but almost any time I'll cuss at it. And for the record, I never once said that I don't think girls are supposed to think he's hot; I curse at the fact that every time he's on camera they have to shout like 5 year old girls (i.e. Josh Hartnett monologue). That's the point/opinion I'm trying to make. Amy is hot. Tina is hot. Amy + Tina + Bob nowhere near them = excellentness for me.
Stephanie, "jy921", jy921@msn.com writes:
Hi Nick,
Please say it is so? Maya might leave? I will have a big party if she leaves!!! U are so lucky to have gone to SNL live. I ~*~I wish I could go , But my parents hate it.(I'm 16)I hate to admit it ,but Seth Meyers is good. I was reading early reviews and I was Wicked pissed that Lulu dissed rock. She must be a fan of Maya Rudolph or she had one too many shots of stupidness. I think Horatio is soooooo funny. Also I think Amy Poehler is really good as well (I see why Lorne Michaels promoted her).Please say Blink-182 will perform on Snl next season or Linkin Park Or NewFound Glory..........I look foward to next season and for hockey I will root for the Red Wings(Devils fan here, but I feel bad for Detroit Cause all the other teams really stink). Can you do me a little favor? When you do your reviews, can you tone down on the cussing. I really don't like cussing. But otherwise everything is just gravy. How long does it take for you to do the reviews? WEll Go Yankees(will win world series)Go Nets(will beat lakers)and go red wings. Take care. Stephanie
Always enjoy your letters. Yes, Maya might leave, but will she? Probably not- the fact is if she left I'd have like 10 of my best pals over, I get a few cold ones out, bring over some ladies, pop open some fine wine for them and pick up some cold ones for the boys, put on some Pink Floyd, light up a Cuban, and party the night away. Well, not really. But I would be happy. She is probably the most least talented cast member, IMO. But I don't really want 10 emails about this now, so just leave it. SNL was an amazing experience- I hope you can experience it someday. Seth Meyers is good; although severely underused the second half of the season, he had a great first half and he'll be a player next fall. I'm surprised too that The Rock didn't beat her ass. You're right too- Horatio and Amy are good, except Horatio is underused a lot too. I told him that when I was down there last weekend and he just said thanks. We need more rap groups on SNL just like Susan Lucci needs another nomination. Hopefully next year, we'll have lots of rock bands. Bahston has some time to restructure the team in the off season, and hint hint, they'll make it big next year, better than this year. Yanks will win too as Jeter and Bernie will help carry them along; but surprisingly, the Red Sox are doing outstanding and I'm wicked surprised. Celts will win against the Nets, and Lakers will (sigh) win. Sorry if I cuss too much- it's the nature of me and my rants. On average- the actual review takes just about 2 hours, plus another 1 hour for the rant, so just about 3. This review though- damn- took about almost 5 hours total to put together.
Last but not least- an old friend of mine and the mailbag, and I always like his letters, this is from Bob Barron,
philhartmanrip@yahoo.com,
Dear Nicky,
I write this letter all sweaty and hot like I'm in
a porno movie with your mom. Well the reason I'm
sweaty is cause of AMY SWEAT!~ Thats right you peons
who waste their time going to SNLHQ- even though Neil
is a Leafs fan, we know he thought Ottawa was gonna
win game 6.
Amy Poehler sweated on me. She sweated on me.
Sweat. Amy sweat. Glistening Amy sweat. Beautiful hot
sexy Amy Poehler made in America sweat. I'm gonna miss
America for one reason- Amy sweat. Dripping, wet,
gooey if you weeeeeel Amy sweat. Mmmmmmmmm I can taste
the drips right now. Its oozing down my foreheard. My
nose is wet. Now my lips. Now my chest. All wet with
Amy sweat. Amy Poehler sweat. Vivascious, pornoriffic
Amy Poehler sweat. Wooooooooooo! Just the thought of
Amy sweat forces me to type this with one hand.
BTW the sports report, mailbag and rants? Its
called new ideas- think of some.
Did I say he was a fave to the mailbag? Since I'm close with my mom and she tells me a lot, I don't think she ever did a porno with you. Maybe you were thinking of the time you did one with Cameron Manheim. We know what the 'man' in her last name means. (rap mode on) Don't ever dis SNLHQ again dawg (rap mode off). SNLHQ is a wicked cool site with lots of cool stuff on it with two cool guys running it. BTW, our target date of September 1st is when we'll be ready to release the newly designed and massive updated info with tons of new sections to you the visitors. Trust me, I've seen and done some of the additions and it looks damn good. So you had Amy sweat on you? Are you sure it wasn't one of those ladies from that Food Network show "Two Fat Ladies" or something? You must've been daydreaming again. So you got sweat on you? Big deal- I met her backstage biotch. Yea that's right, I met her and Tina, and lots of other cool people too, and I talked to Ana for quite awhile too. Since your leaving for Canada, someone has to take reigns for your spot in NYC, so I will, and I'll get both Amy AND Tina sweat- eat on that. Just the thought of you touching Amy and Tina forces me to type this with one hand. Yea- sports review started in fierce competition with you cause all your teams suck big time and mine rock the house, so people wanna hear how them Yankees are, not those bunch of morons down in Atlanta. Mailbag was started cause I wanted to respond to respond to readers of my work somewhere, and rants- who the hell doesn't love Dennis Miller?! I thought so. We'll kick your ass in '04 too Barron. GO AL GORE!!!!!!!!!
Mailbag is open all summer- pinballwizard46@yahoo.com
Concert report- As you all know, this is what it looks like for now this summer-
June 4- Big Day Out at SPAC, featuring Green Day and Blink 182
June 15- BAD COMPANY, FOREIGNER AND JOE BONAMASSA at SPAC
July 5- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers at SPAC
July 6- An evening with Rush at SPAC
July 14- Harry Connick Jr. at SPAC
July 23- Chicago at SPAC
There will be more to come, but that's all for now. If I'm still in the mood, I'll have a concert report season 28 premiere review.
Cast members in the news-
A Movie About Nothing
Former "SNL" cast members Colin Quinn and Chris Rock will appear in "Comedian," a documentary about Jerry Seinfeld's year on the road doing standup comedy after "Seinfeld" ended.
Variety reports that Miramax Films will distribute the picture, which "takes audiences behind the scenes as Seinfeld travels from venue to venue for his standup gigs." In addition to Quinn and Rock, comic Gary Shandling will appear as well.
Well now, this should be a great movie if anything. The tag team of Colin's Brooklyn ways and Rock's humor should make a kick ass movie. I'd hope to put Jerry Seinfeld in this myself. This hopefully will boost both of their careers.
I wonder if parents will let their kids see such a movie like this. Sure, with all the language and graphic descriptions by Seinfeld, I'm sure they won't. Other parent's will spoil their kids and infest their mind with more useless information than the 24 hour news ticker on CNN. This is a subject touchier than a Vatican summer camp. Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but too many parents are obsessed with giving their kids what they never had-like a dad in jail for beating another dad to death at a hockey game.
With their eyes set on early retirement, parents now start their kids in sports younger and younger. I know my friend's mom who hired a soccer coach because her baby didn't seem to be angling his hips properly while kicking her from inside the womb.
When all those parents were up in arms after the Little League World Series because Bronx pitching star Danny Almonte turned out to have a fabricated birth certificate to say that he was 12 years old, they were only angry because they hadn't thought of it first. I mean come on, it didn't take a genius to notice that Almonte was the only kid on the team who had a moustache, an ex-wife, and a 12-year-old son.
If Tonya Harding's mother had developed her daughter's skating ability the way she had developed her will to win, Tonya would be living in a much bigger trailer right now. Instead, all Tonya's got is a scrapbook of tabloid headlines fighting for space on a shelf with love letters from the 15 different prisoners she's stringing along.
And it's not just the world of sports where kids are under too much pressure. I saw a bumper sticker on a car recently that said, "My child had better be an honor student at Lincoln Elementary".
And while it's unbecoming to worry about education too early in life, it's really creepy to push your child into showbusiness and beauty pageants. Yeah, sure, it's cute and funny to watch a little kid dance to The Gap Band's "You Dropped a Bomb on Me." But somehow it takes a rather sinister turn with the addition of high-heels and heavy makeup. I mean all of a sudden it's like you're watching a stripper with a bad pituitary gland.
And there's nothing sicker than the stage parent who uses their child as a second chance to fill a gaping chasm in their own pathetic history. Just because the height of your career in the theater was the two weeks you were a gofer for Grant Goodeve in a summer stock revival of Pippin does not give you the excuse to haul your five-year-old to every cereal commercial audition and Nickelodeon casting call in North America. No decent parent would ever let their kids get into show biz anyway-unless they had identical twins, of course. Then you can rent them out to sitcoms to circumvent the child labor laws and really rake in a shitload of cash.
What other types of weird parents are there? Oh, one of my favorites are the germ-freak mothers, who shadow their kids with a credenza-sized tub of Handi-Wipes and a 400-degree autoclave, sterilizing every alphabet block within a 50-foot radius at Gymboree, and mopping the kid down like a 10th-round boxer, because she's afraid the touch of the slightest micromolecule will transform little junior into Patient Zero. Lighten up, Mumzie Hughes. He's not a microchip. He's a kid.
In fact, when my parents take my brothers to their games, they refuse to do anything to embarrass them or make them feel different from other kids. They let them decide when to do their own spocking, and they keep their temper in check even when the ref calls a pallino dead just for hitting the backstop. They, nor I, will become one of those stereotypical "Bocce Ball Dads" that you read about.
And if you do insist on being an obsessed parent, at least sit your child down and level with him. Say, "Look, I think you have a decent backhand, and I'd like you to dedicate the rest of your life to it. I'll rob you of your childhood, and you'll make more than enough money to pay for your eventual rehab."
The fact is, kids are not only surprisingly durable, they actually need to burn a finger on the stove or eat a bad apple now and then, so they can learn not to do it again. You keep trying to cushion your kid from all the slings and arrows the world has to offer, you're going to end up kissing the boo-boos of a 45-year-old man in feety pajamas, who talks loudly to himself in the third person, and who grabs his Close-N-Play and bolts down to the basement when the Sparklets guy comes cause he thinks "water is Satan juice."
It's fine to think your children are better than everybody else's, because everybody thinks their kids are uniquely perfect. So when you look at your little darling and think, "I am a superior parent because I have molded this life into absolute perfection," keep in mind that up until around a month ago, John Walker Lindh's folks were thinking the exact same thing.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com. Remember, the mailbag is open all summer long, so email me.
Tonight's guest is hosting the 27th season finale of Saturday Night Live, and she herself, hopes to steal the show just like she did at the local store for Christmas shit. But first, we review the 2001-2002 season of Saturday Night Live-
Many have deemed this season as better than last season. My thought is, this whole season is better than the first half last year, except the Prez stuff (from Theron to Lopez). After that, Hayes though Walken was excellent. So, I'd have to say that this season was better than last year's first half, but similar with last year's second half. Ya get me? No? Then you have about the same smarts as our Prez does, and believe me folks, that ain't a lot. Some of the sketches this season had more sizzling than Ronko's turkey machine. After September 11, 2001, SNL did not know where to turn to, as they were not in this situation before. Some were so scared to return to New York and do SNL, even scaring off Stiller from hosting, but Lorne and the gang picked up the pieces and put it all together neater than George Bush address to the nation.
This season showed us four very promising featured players; one moved up to cast status 10 shows through, and the rest of the cast still there to make us laugh. This season you could call it a bit of an odd one; Parnell is fired for no good reason, Amy gets bumped halfway through the season, Will is gone for 3 shows (for Lorne, that's like missing an entire season), and Pardo is gone yet again. The quality of the sketches varied very significantly, as was reflected in my reviews as well. The sketches with the 'senior' cast members held up the best and were probably the funniest. However, the sketches with the Gen X gang, including the newbies, didn't seem to hold up as well. Is this because they're new to you and me? Possibly. But overall, when the senior group is gone, we can all look forward to a few lack luster seasons before Lorne cleans house again, which is bound to happen, and we all know it. It's a cycle. This happens about as regular Carmen Electra's period.
The host and musical guest lineups were about as average last year- a bad season premiere host and MG, but it picked up a bit with two good shows in November with Goodman and BBT, then December ROCKED with Jackman and Jagger, which I should've gone to see, and Ellen and No Doubt. That brings us halfway almost. Continued with January with Black and The Strokes, mini February with Britney, powerball March with Moseley, Stewart and McKellan all excellent. Then April rolls around with The Rock and Baldwin, which kicked ass which kicked my dog's ass too. That rounds out the decent to excellent hosts this year. As for hosts who I'd rather see on Politically Incorrect, Witherspoon as I mentioned, Barrymore (good host, but horrible episode), Paltrow, Jeter (which was higher than normal for a sports personality), Josh Hartnett which has to be the biggest waste of 90 minutes in my entire life, even more than watching a speech by George W. that written by his advisors for him. Cameron did a Jack Paar job, and Kirsten Dunst (although I saw the show live) really wasn't a good pick, nor Winona, who was a TERRIBLE season finale host.
Musical guests (and pardon me if I seem racist [see my earlier mailbag for this]). Here goes nothing. Alicia Keyes- not terrible, but not great. Decent by any means. Sum 41 was one of the best bookings of the year. Macy Gray- that voice is more scratchy than a jewelry saleswoman who's got nails stretched out more than Joan River's face while running her hands on a blackboard. Ja Rule- don't even get me started. Ryan Adams- now this kid no one, and I mean NO ONE knew who he was before this, but I have to say, this was the most impressive MG of the year. He only got one song, but he was amazing, especially with the lyrics too, and thanks to Lenny for the backup as well. Creed was excellent too. The old school combo musical guest with Bubba Sparxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and Shakira was more painful than waiting in a line of traffic of people who have to stop to see a fucking accident that was nothing than a shitless fender bender. Mick Jagger- the man is almost 60 years old, and he'll never stop rocking. He kicks ass again and again, and he kicks your ass too. His music is still amazing, and was my fave MG of the year. No Doubt was great too, but I like their older stuff better. Pink- hell, I'll give her $100 to get another life. The Strokes were another good group, and rocked too. Britney, well, it was fun to just tuen on mute and visually stare at her. Right? Outkast- (David Spade mode on) It's called 'get booked when the song was a hit'. Look into it (David Spade mode off). India.Aire- Lorne's defense so the Afghan's won't blow up 8h. Kylie Minogue- the real pop MG of the year. Blah. Jimmy Eat World was excellent, Andrew W.K., was, well, interesting, and POD surprised me too, the surprise of the year for me. Eminem- the one show I can actually go to and they have to have a rap star, on top of it a white rapper, be MG. Screw you, NBC. Moby was decent for closing out, but I like Weezer better.
BEST HOST and MG of the year that could combine to create the most excellentness show this season- Jon Stewart/Mick Jagger.
Going through the cast-
Dratch- severely underused the second half this year, used normally first half. She's got potential to make it on the show, but hasn't been given it yet. She'll return. DRATCH SKETCH OF THE YEAR- The Luvah's from Jack Black
Fallon- Mr. Update. I hate him on update, but he's great in sketches. This was his transition year from sketches to update full time, cause he wasn't in as many sketches. He STILL cracks up in sketches, but he's a great guy. He'll be back as long as Lorne still wants to revolutionize the show into an infant format. FALLON SKETCH OF THE YEAR- Jarrett's Room from SWS.
Ferrell- the best, and my current fave castmember. He knows his work- and does it damn well, better than anyone else. He's kinda like Meadows; he can be in any sketch and just make me laugh. He kicks royal ass. It's up in the air whether he'll return, but I think he's got 1 more year in him. He's way passed the levels of coolness with Belushi, Radner, Farley and Hartman. FERRELL SKETCH OF THE YEAR (why must I pick just one?)- Inside the Actor's Studio from BBT.
Fey- In the words of AC/DC. "Shook me all night long." Yes, that's what Tina has done. She has rocked WU, which has rocked the house which rocks the body. Not to mention GORGEOUS too. She has revolutionized update, and Lorne said a few weeks ago that Fey has been the most creative and most fun to do update with since Chevy. He's probably right. She'll be back. FEY UPDATE OF THE YEAR- Cameron Diaz/Jimmy Eat World
Gasteyer- We've seen her slip a bit away from the show, but that could just be cause she's preggers. However, this is still one of her funnier years, and deservers the senior female spot. I'd like to see her return, but it depends on how little Gasteyer does. She's truly a favorite of mine. Last week during the Penthouse sketch, when Ferrell came in as Guccioni, she was laughing hysterically offstage. She's great, and she was cool to talk to. GASTEYER SKETCH OF THE YEAR- The Culps from Ellen DeGeneres.
Hammond- He may be a whinny bitch, but ya gotta love Darrell. I have not seen such a great and masterful impressionist on the show since Phil, and I think his versatility makes him even better. Notice, too, that Lorne has put him in far many more sketches this year than last, which is great because he's good in them. Who knows if he will return, I think, like Ferrell, he has one more year. HAMMOND SKETCH OF THE YEAR- Hardball from The Rock.
Kattan- Most people in the online community don't like him. I have mixed feelings. I don't like Mango or any of that stupid stuff, but I really think he's funny otherwise. He's been here since the new cast in 95, and helped the show a lot along the way. He said at the beginning of the year that he wants to leave, but now he's undecided. Let's get one more year. If he leaves or stays, I really won't care either way. KATTAN SKETCH OF THE YEAR- America Undercover from Goodman.
Morgan- "ah, man, it's hilarious!" Yes, this is one of my fave lines from a player that doesn't even come from a character, rather himself and his own words. Seriously, this is one of those guys who whenever he's in a sketch, more so playing himself, I always crack up. He's had a great run with SNL, but with his new talk show, I have no idea if he'll stay. MORGAN SKETCH OF THE YEAR- Brian Fellow's from BBT.
Parnell- kudos to Will and Kattan for really working to get him back. When Ferrell is gone, he's deemed to replace him as the starring man. I don't know about this. Don't get me wrong; he's hilarious but I just don't see him as the star. He'll return after his short season this year. PARNELL SKETCH OF THE YEAR- News Media from Stewart.
Poehler- Think your hot stuff getting moved up? Well, you are hot. This has to be one of the best cast additions Lorne has made in years. She really cracks me up all the time and knows her stuff well. Did I mention she's hot? Anyway, there's not much more to say other than that she's already proved herself on the show. 99.99999% she'll be back. POEHLER SKETCH OF THE YEAR- Gorgeous Living from Diaz (figures how someone gorgeous should play the star role in the parody of Gorgeous Living).
Rudolph- I'll keep this to a minimum so I don't piss off anyone. Not talent. See, I'm done. She'll return unless Lorne lays of the ether. RUDOLPH SKETCH OF THE YEAR- Wake Up Wakefield from Witherspoon.
Sanz- severely underused this year. A big disappointment. He's a real funny guy, just didn't get much air time. He'll return. SANZ SKETCH OF THE YEAR- Jarrett's Room from Jackman.
Featuring- (now time to pick on the new guys)
Edwards- Bob Barron: "Did you know that Jerry Minor wasn't really fired? They just changed his name to Dean Edwards." How true is this. A big boo goes out to whoever cut the Jacko thing from the Paltrow episode, because that was his breakout role. Call me crazy, but I think he might be back, but don't count on it. EDWARDS SKETCH OF THE YEAR- Celebrity Jeopardy from Witherspoon.
Meyers- this guy, like Poehler, has proved himself. Although with a very weak second half, he had a very strong first half. Great in sketches. He'll be back. MEYERS SKETCH OF THE YEAR- Commentary on WU, from both Goodman and Jeter.
Richards- Lorne finally got enough sense in him to let Jeff shine, but only at the latter part of the last 5 episodes. He has an array of impressions, a great Letterman, Jeff O'Reilly and others. If Darrell leaves, they'll need him. He will return. RICHARDS SKETCH OF THE YEAR- The O'Reilly Factor from Moseley.
BEST/WORST SHOWS
5. Kirsten Dunst/Eminem 5. Derek Jeter/Bubba Sparxxx, Shakira
4. Billy Bob Thornton/Creed 4. Reese Witherspoon/Alicia Keyes
3. John Goodman/Ja Rule 3. Gwenyth Paltrow/Ryan Adams
2. Jon Stewart/India.Aire 2. Drew Barrymore/Macy Gray
1. Alec Baldwin/POD
1. Josh Hartnett/Pink
BEST/WORST HOSTS
5. Winona Ryder
5. Jonny Moseley
4. Alec Baldwin
4. Britney Spears
3. Ellen DeGeneres
3. Reese Witherspoon
2. Jack Black
2. Gwenyth Paltrow
1. Jon Stewart
1. Josh Hartnett
BEST/WORST MUSICAL GUESTS
5. Sum 41
5. Outkast
4. Creed
4. Pink
3. The Strokes
3. Macy Gray
2. Ryan Adams
2. Ja Rule
1. Mick Jagger
1. Bubba Sparxxx
BEST/WORST MONOLOGUES
5. Kirsten Dunst
5. Gwyneth Paltrow
4. Winona Ryder
4. John Goodman
3. Billy Bob Thornton
3. Reese Witherspoon
2. Ellen DeGeneres
2. Britney Spears
1. Jon Stewart
1. Josh Hartnett
BEST/WORST WEEKEND UPDATE
5. Seann William Scott
5. The Rock
4. Drew Barrymore
4. Jonny Moseley
3. Jon Stewart
3. Britney Spears
2. Ian McKellan
2. Billy Bob Thornton
1. Cameron Diaz
1. Josh Hartnett
BEST/WORST COMMERICALS
5. ept pregnancy Test
5. Preparation H Ointment
4. Kotex Classic
4. Friends Promo
3. Law and
Order
3. Loose Bear
2. Clear Results Pregnancy Test 2. Arthur Anderson
1. Dissing Your Dog
1. The Lexus buy a bow Event
BEST/WORST T.V. FUNSHOUSE By ROBERT SMIGEL
4. X-Presidents- Hartnett
4. Anitominals- Baldwin
3. The Narrator the Ruined Christmas- DeGeneres 3. Real Audio- Stewart
2. Michael Jackson- Paltrow
2. Real Audio- McKellan
1. Bambi 2002- Dunst
1. Emeril- Barrymore
BEST/WORST WEEKEND UPDATE GUESTS
5. Meyers Commentary
5. The Hilton Girls
4. The Blues Brothers
4. Rachel Dratch as Harry Potter
3. Colin Quinn
3. Darrell as Rudy (Paltrow)
2. Chevy returns as Land Shark 2. Chris Kattan as Hollywood
1. Neil Diamond and Gay Hitler 1. Gene Shalit
*OTHER notable appearances that were great too were Chris Parnell's rap and Dean and Maya's Oscar appearance*
LINES OF THE YEAR-
10. Darrell Hammond on Hardball talking to Dick Armey, "What are we gonna do about the crisis in the Middle East. We're gonna start with representative Penis Navy."
9. Darrell Hammond as John Ashcroft: "If your return address reads 'a cave', you might be a terrorist."
8. Tina Fey on Weekend Update, "A female version of viagra is expected to be released next year with the promise of giving women faster arousal and better orgasms. The pill is so strong, doctor's warn the increased speed of arousal might cause Christina Aguilera's vagina to time travel."
7. Nick Burn's talking to his dad about a fellow employee:
Dad: "Is this the guy that goes to the dudes with boobs website?"
Nick: "No, this is the guy who refused to open his email because he thought he'd get anthrax."
6. Jimmy Fallon On Weekend Update, "Big news in today's New England vs. Oakland game, as President Bush successfully ate a Pringle."
5. Darrell Hammond as Homeland Security Advisor Tom Ridge, "At the request me, and effective immediately, the President has placed the nation on condition: taupe."
4. Will Ferrell as Marty Culp describing parenthood, "I didn't know this old pencil still had some lead in it as well…especially considering a painful and violent bicycle accident 12 years ago that left my testicles looking like 2 Silver Dollar pancakes."
3. Ana Gasteyer as Martha Stewart, "Until now, I've enjoyed great success with my own line of Martha Stewart products at K-Mart, which are easily identifiable because of their high quality of craftsmanship and because they're the only items in the store without NASCAR drivers on them."
2. Tina Fey on Weekend Update, "Earlier this week, the L.A. Police Department searched the home of Paul Reubens, better known as Pee Wee Herman, and confiscated his collection of vintage erotica, which included paintings and photographs. So let me understand this- now Pee Wee Herman can't even masturbate in his own house? Where would America be comfortable with Pee Wee masturbating? Do you want him to go to a sterile room in a hospital, or like the Space Shuttle? Should he buy a mobile home and bury it under the ground? Just tell us, and we'll pass the information onto him, because, if there's one thing I've learned from working with all of these guys: he's not gonna stop doing it! They do it, alright. It's true. Men masturbate all the time! Right, Jimmy? Back to you."
1. Will Ferrell as George W. talking about terrorism, "If you're to drunk to fish, you just might be a redneck."
BEST INDIVIDUAL SKETCHES OF THE YEAR
10. Celebrity Jeopardy from Witherspoon
9. Buddy the Dog Funeral from Hartnett
8. Gay Voice Mail from Baldwin
7. Kangaroo Christmas from Jackman
6. Inside the Actor's Studio from BBT
5. CBS Evening Anthrax Update from Goodman
4. Penthouse Court TV from Dunst
3. The Culps from DeGeneres
2. News Media from Stewart
1. Hardball from The Rock
[COLD OPENING] Jimmy Carter in Cuba
Slap the dog now, and put it in the record books; Darrell gets another great impression. This was a great way to open the season finale. Maya's good at these roles- playing the subtle translator. Solid as well from Ferrell, and dare I say, this is the first time Maya has said LFNY. Will didn't get to go solo?! Boo. Anyway, Carter acted like a dumbass and just nodded 'yes' to everything Castro was saying. Actually, when you think about it, we weren't in trouble with our economy or oil in the late 70's that bad- I mean, we had enough so Different Strokes could keep running- but wasn't the really bad economic time and oil crisis last during Bush the first administration. That group of dipshits and more loopholes in it that a cowboy lassoing his rope while on a three legged horse drunk. I liked the sketch, and a sendoff for Will. And as usual, during the credits, Pardo gave Ferrell a sendoff too.
RATING: 9/10
[MONOLOGUE] Winona Ryder
Ok, Tracy is in this, so it's almost an instant high grade. When Tracy speaks in one word sentences like "Hilarious!" or "Word", I have to shit my pants. Great monologue, and (sarcasm on) caught me completely off guard (sarcasm off). But really, I liked this a lot. They haven't done a backstage monologue in such a long time and I was really missing them. Wait, isn't Darrell supposed to be drinking the Jack Daniels and not Ana? That was wicked cool too. Then we go to Tina, who was probably my #1 pick for this one, shaving in her dressing room. Did you see her sink and stuff there? All her junk on the vanity there? Yea, I was there 1 week ago. Oh how sweet. I was like a foot behind were she was standing. If she was the only one in their I might've pulled down my pan, err, nevermind. Rachel would've been good for this too, cause a lot of people joke how she looks like a man, but if they did that, she might go through depression and pull a Hammond. Then the new guys- how evident is it that Dean won't return next fall- they made fun of the fact that he won't. Will hit the spot well, and Lorne and Winona was funny too. Haven't see too many appearances by Lorne this year. That's rarer that a fat Chinese man with red hair. Great monologue…
RATING: 9.5/10
[SKETCH] Celebrity Jeopardy
What a sendoff. Even though this has gotten dry lately, I still love it. Nothings better than this. Simon and Garfunkel was a good idea, and another creative mind with "I have a chardonnay." Jimmy sounds like Dave but not too much by looks. Bjork, even though I vaguely know who she is, I still laughed pretty hard. And then- Final Jeopardy and the real Trebek. He's probably seen every one of these. He kicks ass. I think Darrell must've wrote those lines he said to them- those were hilarious. When he hosts, they better do this…
RATING: 10/10
[SKETCH] Gay Parents
No wonder Andy Dick was hanging around NBC Friday. Honestly, I didn't really find this funny that much, and I don't know how it made it to Live. It was interesting. Best part was when Horatio came in to show their feelings with body gestures. No kiss from them either; I'm sure the dude from Frankie Goes to Hollywood was pissed off.
RATING: 5/10
[SKETCH] Bearologist
This was cut from Paltrow, but my question is, why? This was hilarious. It was so ridiculous it made me laugh. When the bear came out and killed Ana, then ran back into the cage, and threw the gun at Will, I thought I was gonna shit my pants. Wicked cool. Then the police comes in and asks him whats up and it goes on from there. Terrific sketch…
RATING: 9/10
[COMMERCIAL] Botox
These commercials keep on coming. Not one of the best of the season, it still was great. They've had a lot of crazy ideas lately and this was no exception. They all wanted to look like old ladies but weren't old enough looking to have a stroke. Wow. Then the girls with saliva coming out of their mouths? Ewwwwwww. Well, actually, I told Amy she can exchange saliva with me anytime she wants…
RATING: 8/10
[SKETCH] Playboy Centerfold
Damn, I love this sketch. They're trying to make this recurring which is good cause I like it. Amy looks so hot and plays the part so well with one leg. It made me hot. Anyway, another good sketch…
RATING: 9/10
[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
This started out VERY slow but progressed well. Best joke was the earthquake shook the gay out of me. Hands down the best. And Tina brings back the cooters- after she told it, I thought if Jess told her that one or not. Then they wanna go stare at Ana's sexy body. Mmhmm. I met her last week- she was supercool. Rest of the jokes were ok I guess, but the absolute best was the reunion of Gay Hitler, Drunk Girl, Geraldo, and the Diamond's. Woah. A teriffic update and a way to send Will off.
RATING: 9.5/10
[MUSIC] Moby
He did stuff with Stefani. This was ok I guess.
RATING: 8/10
[SKETCH] The Luvah's
Rachel told me last week that they were trying to get another Luvah sketch on the air. A spinoff of the Barrymore one, except Jimmy didn't break this time. Good job. Still laugh over the pronunciations and stuff, and the roast chickens was hilarious. And a twisted ending to it- me likes.
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] Mango steals gay clothes
Had this been the normal Mango sketch, I probably would've pulled a Michael J. Fox from Family Ties and got into a ten minute conversation on why we should make stricter laws for tv programs and what can be viewed on tv, while I'm sporting my Caldor's suit and sitting on my counter drinking a Shirley Temple. On the contrary, this wasn't a normal sketch, so it was cool. The shoplifting joke caught me off guard but it was still funny. Probably the best Mango sketch. Hey, at least Dean didn't have to play the cop this time arresting Kattan.
RATING: 8.5/10
[MUSIC] Moby
This one was much better, cause it's the one he sang with Gwen.
[FAREWELL] A Farewell to one of the greatest players ever- Will Ferrell
I never would've thought they'd do this- nothing this much when Belushi or Hartman left, but this was very touching, and it did get me a bit teary. That's right, I'll own up to it. He's probably my favorite cast member ever; he knew how to do it well and he did a hell of a good job. Horatio's right- there is gonna be a lot of imitations, but never another Will Ferrell. He's one of a kind. Every cast has its best player- Will is the one for this cast. Other than that, Tracy comes out and makes a complete jackass of himself again which rocked royally. He was really getting into it and worked up cause he couldn't even say Will's name.
RATING: 10/10
[CAST CALL] Goodnights
Ferrell never wanted to be in the front of the goodnights; but now he deserves it. Hugs for everyone as Will makes his exit- the crew speaks for me too when they say they'll miss him.
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Celebrity Jeopardy
PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Will Ferrell
QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery talking with the two Alex's: "I feel like I'm in a Raisin Brain commercial; I'm surrounded by two scoops of fruit."
OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 75/100
Just like last week- a great show. Lots of expectations were set for this show and it managed to live up to it. I'm wicked tired now. With season 27 behind us, we look to season 28 with a fresh start but missing a friend. The season had it's ups and downs, but it was a great one. As I say farewell now too for the summer, I'll be awaiting to review the first episode next year. Until then, I wish you all the very best, and a great summer. See you on September 28th. And Will, we'll never forget you and thanks for all the great memories…
Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here…