Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

By Nick Mayhew

I saw SNL LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yesterday. WOOHOO!!!! So my rating's may be slightly higher. I'll start with my…

Trip report for LIVE Kirsten Dunst/Eminem

Oh. My. God. This seriously was the best time of my life ever. This kicked ass in so many ways. I WAS IN TINA FEY'S DRESSING ROOM. READ IT AGAIN. Holy shit. I'm too excited. Here's how it started- I saw Lenny Friday night after rehearsal, and we talked and stuff, his old school SNL stuff and Tower of Power too. He's like, "I'll see you tomorrow night, right?" I was like, 'Hell yea." If you don't know, my aunt and uncle live right next door to Lenny in Manhattan. This just begins the excellentness to come. I get there at 10 pm and gave one of the pages the girls name to get in, and we got right in. We got all the way upstairs and Lenny met us there to take us to our seats, and while we passed everyone waiting to get in 8H, everyone was like, "There's Lenny." For about .000005 seconds of my life, I felt cool right there. We sat on the lower floor, nearest to the MG stage. I was like 15 feet away from Eminem. We sit there for about 30 minutes and EXACTLY 11 pm sharp, Lenny and the gang begin to warm us up. Let me tell you, this is the best T.V. band ever. These guys spend all week arranging stuff and they kicked my neighbors dogs ass. They played for 15 minutes, all the while the SNL crew busily arranged the sets for the show. At about 11:15, Don Pardo comes out in his cool voice and says, "It's Saturday Night Live with your host Kirsten Dunst and Eminem!" He talks to us for awhile, and then the band played again and we really saw what a dancing 84 year old ass really looks like. Right after, Jimmy comes out. I was sad, cause I've heard Dean is great pre-show and Lenny said the same thing. Did I mention Lenny's the man? Jimmy warms us up and there's this 10 year old girl in the audience, her name I forget, but I think it was Gaby, and he's telling jokes, but he really starts to swear, then comes back to Gaby and apologizes and says, "Wow, the NBC pages must do wonders letting 6 year old girls in. Hell, if they did that, do we have any terrorists in here?" Jimmy runs dry quickly and jokes, "Damn, I wish I had more material." It's about 11:25 and Bush gets ready on the set. They have the usual countdown, 5-4-3-2, then were on live. The show goes on, which KICKED ROYAL ASS, and did you all hear some dude shouting, "I love you Kirsten" right before she began her monologue? Damn straight, that was me. I'm shivering in excitement now. The cadenza began to play and we knew that was it. After the show, Lenny told us to meet him right in front of Rosie's place, and we did, then (hits you on the head to put your glasses on) I WENT BACKSTAGE TO THE CASTMEMBERS DRESSING ROOMS WITH LENNY. Holy mother of god sweet lord I can't believe this. He introduces me to Ana, who isn't doing much, and she took me around to the other guys rooms. That's right, I met- Rachel, Jimmy, WILL, TINA- I WAS IN HER DRESSING ROOM AND I HUGGED HER. Suck on that Barron, incase you didn't notice, whinny Darrell left in the middle of goodnights, so I didn't get to see him. Boo. Also saw Kattan, Tracy- who also waved right at me during the goodnights, missed Parnell unfortunately, I SAW AND HUGGED AMY, missed Maya, saw Horatio on the way out, same with Jeff, and I missed Seth and Dean as well, but I did pretty good though. I was more happy than Pauly Shore's penis. I couldn't believe this. It was too amazing. Then he gave me a full studio tour with all the mixings. After this, I walked down the elevator with Lenny outside and he took some pics while I got a shot of Lorne, and then I went back home with him in the NBC limo. Does it get any cooler than this? Yes. I talked with him the whole 30 minute car ride and said I'd keep in more contact and that I'd be back down sometime next year. I got a soda in the limo too. That's right, Dr. Pepper. No way. Then I went upstairs, which at the time was about 2:30 and then went to bed. Oh my god, this ruled.

Sports review-

Many few people saw this coming. I was one who did. The New York Yankees, my team, are far too many places out of 1st. Reason? Half of the roster this year is full of new guys, and they haven't worked with anyone else new or anyone on the team. This causes suckiness. Did I just say that? It's hard to say, and as much as I love them, I don't see them in October. Bahston on the other hand, I do see, for part of October. Their biggest test was against the A's last week, and they (grabs the broom) SWEPT 'EM! (puts broom away). The combine ineffectiveness of Bernie, Nick Johnson, and Rivera, well, hell, the rest of the team too, save Jeter and Soriano, will keep them away from any limelight this year. 

The two weaker divisions in the MLB are the AL and NL Central. There's really no strong teams. Encarnacion, it's time for a beat down!

Playoffs, nothing really new. Celts are really showing all the juice they got this year. They're playing kick ass well. Kings got lucky yesterday.

NHL playoffs still continue. Toronto is heating it up with the power offense, thanks too McCauley. Sharks I can't believe are doing this well. Shocker to me. Montreal's gonna take it to the house too.

Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer to please pay attention

JuKickMyDog@aol.com writes:

The week of Cameron Diaz SNL i was in NY (i live in florida) but i couldnt make the show because i am under 16 (im so pissed) of course i look like im 18 but thats besides the point. I was wonderin if you ever do go to the show, PLEEZE plead w/ Will not to leave he is the god of comedy! (even though he is hideous) 
-Angie 
PS i think i wanna tell you jimmy fallon is the god of hottness just to piss you off but nah.......

Age limit sucks. I know. Isn't it too late for me to tell Will that? That would be about as on time as Renee Zellweger showing up to get her award. Don't go any farther than your last statement; you already have pissed me off. If I hear that one more time I'm gonna go all Bob Saget on you. 

Kayla, BROWNJ293@aol.com, writes:

Dear Nick Mayhew:

Hi, I just wanted to ask you if when you go to New York to see SNL, you could tell us everything you see. Like if someone is mean, cranky, etc., just tell us what happened off camera.

Thanks!
~Kayla

I really went just to enjoy myself and really indulge in seeing SNL live. My trip report is above.

Add Rush!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To the summer concert series. Hell yea.

Trip Report-

Cast members in the news-
Apparently, Will Ferrell is just plain bushed. 
After seven years as a Saturday Night Live stalwart, the funnyguy famous for his dead-on impersonation of President George W. Bush's mangled vocabulary has announced he's quitting his gig as a Not Ready for Prime Time Player. 
"Being on SNL has been a fulfillment of a dream. This show gave me opportunities that just wouldn't have been possible had I remained a bank teller in Irvine," says Ferrell. "The people I've come to know and work with have made my time here the best it could possibly be. I will truly miss them." 
The 35-year-old Ferrell plans on following the well-worn path of other SNL alumni and trying his luck on the big screen. 
Ferrell, a former member of L.A.'s famed comedy troupe the Groundlings, joined the cast of Saturday Night Live in 1995 after being tapped by SNL founder and executive producer Lorne Michaels. He went on to create numerous characters for the show, including Craig the Spartan Spirit cheerleader and Marty Culp, the middle school music teacher who crooned horribly off-key covers of pop tunes. 
But it was his signature impressions of Jeopardy!'s Alex Trebek, film buff James Lipton (of Bravo's Inside the Actor's Studio), Neil Diamond and a less than sharp George "Dubya" Bush that made him an SNL star and earned him Emmys last year for Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program and for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program. 
In his downtime from SNL, Ferrell has made a few forays on the big screen, most notably as the Moroccan hit man Mustafa in the Austin Powers franchise. He did a hilarious Bob Woodward in the Nixon spoof Dick and played the villainous fashion designer Mugatu in last year's Zoolander. Ferrell also starred in the sketch-to-screen clunker A Night at the Roxbury and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. 
In an interview Tuesday with the Los Angeles Times, Ferrell says he still needs to convince studio execs that he's more than a one-dimensional second banana. "I'm in that category of, 'Oh, he's funny,' " Ferrell says, but admits he's not yet in the leading-man leagues. 
He currently has three projects in the pipeline that he hopes will make him a star in the vein of such SNL vets as Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler and Mike Myers. (Classic episodes of Saturday Night Live can be seen weeknights on E! at 7 p.m. ET/PT.) 
First up is Old School, an Animal House-style comedy costarring Ferrell, Luke Wilson and Vince Vaughn as three thirtysomething friends who, disillusioned with life, decide to relive the glory of their college days by founding their own fraternity next to a university. The Todd Phillips (Road Trip) flick is due September 27. 
Ferrell will then segue into Elf, a holiday comedy in which he stars as a human raised in Santa's workshop at the North Pole who finds out he isn't actually an elf. That starts shooting in the fall. 
Finally, he will join forces with SNL scribe Adam McKay to write Ron Burgundy, in which Ferrell will star as a veteran local TV anchor forced to team up with a female coanchor. 
Before he begins his star turns, Ferrell will next be seen on the big screen reprising his role as Mustafa in Austin Powers in Goldmember, which opens July 26. 
Ferrell bows out of SNL on the May 18 season finale. 
Boo. What's wrong with ya Will? Why must you go? Well, I suppose it's time; he's left a legacy. With Darrell staying on crew next year, there's still some hope for some great comedy. I'm already looking forward to him hosting. Note to Lorne: kick Winona's ass out of hosting next week and bring Cheri back. That seriously would be the best show in years.

Will gave Lorne his trust last year when he said he'd be staying. Good for him, because in a shitty society like we live in today, trust is a hard thing to come by. Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the events of the past few months have certainly diminished our ability to trust each other. We have government leaders who are more bought than a hooker's enthusiasm. And you can't even get on a plane these days without worrying that the seemingly harmless passenger sitting next to you could actually turn out to be an Enron executive. Over the past year, our confidence in the basic institutions of society has suffered blow after blow. The dotcom collapse taught us we can't trust the stock market. Enron taught us we can't trust the regulators who are supposed to supervise it. And the recent terrorist attacks taught us we can't trust violent, heavily-bearded religious fanatics who want to bring about the total destruction of our country. Where can we turn?

Did anybody see former Enron CEO Ken Lay's wife Linda Lay on the "Today Show? Was anyone suckered in by those crocodile tears? Christ, even Tammy Faye Bakker was at home screaming "bullshit!" The one I really want to see on Enron the hot seat is Andrew Fastow, the guy who apparently pulled all those financial deals that read like Chinese pig Latin. Forget the congressional hearings. I want to see this guy worked over by a gauntlet of laid-off Enron employees armed with barbed clubs and junior high anatomy manuals. He should be leaving that session walking like the guy in the Levis1 Super Bowl commercial. But some of these employees should have known not to put their entire nest egg into one stock. They should have diversified. Put a little into good solid blue chips that can withstand any storm, like I would've done. You know, the dependables. K-mart, Lucent and Captain Joey's House of Room-Temperature Chum. People in California can't help but have a little enjoyment at Enron's expense, because these are the same people who turned off all our lights last summer and then proceeded to charge us for energy like it was coming out of a hotel mini bar. If Arthur Anderson has any dignity left, it was shredded along with everything else. But I see this all as a positive. I hope the accounting profession will be purged of all those young people who went into it because they were lured by all the glitz, the glamour, and the show, and it will once again be populated only by those who have a genuine love for sitting quietly in a flourescent-lit cubicle gnawing their fingernails down to bloody nubs while counting other people's large sums of money. I love watching politicians like Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle fulminate over how Enron and Arthur Anderson deceived the American people. Daschle is the same guy who supported bailing out the airlines after September 11th, but never once mentioned that his wife is a paid lobbyist for them. That's a bigger conflict of interest than Star Jones clinging to a marshmallow raft. We trusted that the airlines would protect us; they didn't. That skyscrapers would stand forever; they didn't. That our shores were safe. They weren't. That our bosses would tell us the truth about our companies. They lied. That we could retire on the funds we saved. We can't. That I would have a funny ending for this paragraph. I don't. It's getting harder to trust doctors. While they are still bound by the Hippocratic Oath, nowadays they are also bound by the cost-cutting mandates of health insurers. Gone, it seems, are the days when the reliable old family doctor would come to your house, poke around your mucous membranes with his kindly, unwashed hands, peer into an incision he lovingly made with a rusty coping saw and sewed back up with 20-pound-test fishing line, and dependably declare that there was nothing modern medicine could do for you.

Using the Internet necessitates a certain level of trust. Every time we log on, we've just got to have faith that our e-mails aren't being read, our credit card numbers aren't being stolen, and our occasional foray into a chatroom as mixed-race transvestite hooker "Honey Dijon" is regarded strictly as a sociological experiment and not a justification for our significant others to only allow computer usage when we're wearing the court-ordered penis clamp. Who's with me? Hey, the bottom line is, the fundamental nature of mankind never changes. Trust will always be a magical commodity that is difficult to earn and easy to lose, and a healthy skepticism will always be needed to help you avoid getting conned, because mankind will always produce more bullshit than a herd of Holsteins grazing in a prunefield. I believe it's not enough to point fingers. We must learn from Enron as well. In recent months, Americans trust in our government has risen to a level unprecedented since the days of World War II. That's because, if you want somebody to repair your roads, educate your kids, or purify your water supply, you may want to turn to private enterprise, but if you want massive fuckloads of your enemies wiped out in record time, Uncle Sam is the man for you.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com- remember- next week is last time for mailbag til September.

Tonight's guest has starred in the action packed movie "Jumanji" with Robin Williams, and tonight she's here to host and talk about her new movie with Tobey Maguire, Spiderman. Please welcome Kirsten Dunst.

[COLD OPENING] The Dream Team

This was completely hilarious. If you heard some moron laughing hysterically, it was me. I laughed my ass off, when he'd say all the movie star names and stuff. I'm really gonna miss him when he goes, but I'm so glad I saw him before he left. Darrell continues to be the Matt Foley's of VP's and corrects Bush on his flaws. If this didn't arouse you, I don't know what would have. Great way to start making me laugh…

RATING: 9.5/10

[MONOLOGUE] Kirsten Dunst

I saw Horatio being lifted up at around 11:25 in his costume up to the ceiling. I thought this was one of the best monologues of the year. This was really cool. Horatio comes down just looking for head from Kirsten; as I would do too. She is one hot mofo. Horatio is like, I got stung by 1,000 bees and that's why I'm fat. Priceless. Then he gets a big smooch from her. Ohhhhhhhhhhh man. Horation was really cool when I met him; I told him he had a great show and he's all "Thanks man." Cool guy for a cool monologue.

RATING: 9/10

[COMMERCIAL] Clear Results Pregnancy Test

SNL has really good ways to write Ana's pregnancy into sketches. I told her congratulations yesterday and that she's been doing a lot of good stuff with the pregnancy and stuff and she said it's hard but she's managed through. By the way, I asked her, and she said she is definitely returning next season. Horatio is too. Great commercial, I was hysterical again.

RATING: 10/10

[SKETCH] Last Call with Carson Daly

Holy fuck. I shit my pants after this. I was like- woah dude. This is the funniest spinoff of a show in a long time. Jimmy trying to act black just made me want to kick myself. Rocked my house. This is the lamest show ever, and (Gemini Twin accent on) Caarson (Gemini Twin accent off) has to be the most fucked up person ever. Someone should go all Mr. T on him. Kicked ass too.

RATING: 9.5/10

[T.V. FUNHOUSE] A Cartoon by Robert Smigel

Another big fucked up corporation like GE, now it's Disney. I saw Bambi's mom head all wrapped up and I went all Roberto Beningi on it. Laughed my seat off again. This is some classic shit, Thumper swearing too. Spade must want to host REALLY bad cause he's got a part in this.

RATING: 9.5/10

[SKETCH] Danilion

This was one of the weaker sketches of the night. It was odd, but funny. Will, Ana, and Rachel were set up on one side of the studio, Kirsten on the other, and she had to literally dart across the studio to make it in time. Rachel plays old women and men really well. Conspiracy. I met her too- she says she's really into her Luvah character and sad they will end it next week. BTW, she said, which was already obvious, look for the Luvah's and most of Ferrell's skits next week. Whoever went to dress, I know Jess did, I saw a sketch that must've got cut with walls that had cheerleading competition 2002 written all over it? Am I getting Spartan flashbacks??

RATING: 8.5/10

[SKETCH] Extras

Oh fuck you, SNL. This is a sketch they should've thought of years ago. Boo. This was absolutely amazing and Ferrell and Amy played this PERFECTLY. There's nothing I would change- besides the fact that Amy should've been naked. This rocked. Over and over again a new idea to really fuck this up. Then they come out and play directors themselves and bark out orders. Kattan slipped and fell after this too. Amy was supercool too. I asked her why "Lil' Sleuths" never got on the air, and she just said they were never strong enough. She said she was gonna bring back that Style network thing she did back on Diaz. Cool.

RATING: 9.5/10

[SKETCH] Jarrett's Room

I asked Horatio were he put that bong. What?? No, seriously folks, this rocked in too many ways. Wasn't as funny as past ones, but no Jeff?! Wtf?! Oh well, I still liked this one, lame rip off, but still worked. I was like "Amy, why'd ya make out with Sanz? Why not me?" Na, I actually didn't. I was so hard from seeing her I just froze. Good sketch…

RATING: 8/10

[MUSIC] Eminem

Oh shit, intermission time. What? NBC won't let me excrete some piss? Like you guys are brainwashing bastards as it is, now you won't let me tinkle. Screw you. They could've sent the beer man around though. Oh shit, this is an actual performance live in a studio. This is torture. This is like locking me up with the hottest girl in high school but with my hands tied behind my back and unable to move cause I'm tied up around a pole. Screw you, NBC. You knew I was coming, but you can't book Petty, right?

RATING: 4/10

[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

All of the jokes rocked. Nuff said. The rest was cool too. When Kattan did the re-enactment, and he had to change of on the side real quick, he took off the Queens clothes the first time ok, but he stalled when putting them back on that you guys didn't see. The prop guy couldn't put the dress on right. Then Kattan made all these weird faces and was pissed I think. Still rocked. Parnell rap was cool too, and Kirsten was behind the wall actually laughing at him and was touching herself (Church Lady on) inappropriately. That was hilarious. Two gorgeous girls standing in front of you, like 15 feet away. Uh yea. I saw the Update door and I thought someone famous was coming but it was a DUD. Some guy at the end of my row threw the pencil back to Fallon (BTW, Fallon and Fey are secure for at least 2 more years, as I was told).

RATING: 10/10

[SKETCH] Penthouse Court

This was done literally right next to me. This rocked so bad. Kirsten, can I touch your booblings? C'mon, please?! Parnell and Kattan were great and the Laugh In stuff just made it all, and when Parnell went to do it but noone else did, I shit my pants. No, I seriously did. When will came out as Bob, Ana was right in front of me laughing hysterically. Good stuff here…

RATING: 9.5/10

[SKETCH] Wake Up Wakefield

Damn, one of my least fave sketches. And they show it, not much to say other than I didn't enjoy it. NBC has teased me at home, but now when I see it live they have Amy and Tina in the same sketch in pajamas in sleeping bags, just feet apart. Oh, fuck you again NBC. 

RATING: 7/10

[SKETCH] DeMarco Brothers

Ehh, I wasn't too impressed. Stone face Lorne was standing to my right as well the whole time during this sketch, probably deciding after seeing Dean for the usual .005 seconds if he wants to keep him next year. He really watched this from beginning to end. Ok I guess…

RATING: 8/10

[COMMERCIAL] My Big Thick Novel, by Jack Handey

I laughed pretty good.

RATING: 7/10

[GOODNIGHTS]

Did anyone notice Darrell was the only one who walked off halfway during the credits? He did, Yankee cap, bag and all. Tracy waved to me.


SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Last Call, Extras, Penthouse

PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Hell, I was there. All of 'em get it

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: I laughed too hard at too many, one from the Bush opening would probably make it in


OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 75/100

I saw this LIVE. Maybe a bit higher, but I was psyched. This show rocked the house which rocked the body. Something to remember; this was the best time of my life and I'll never forget it. Ryder next week- had I been there then, I wouldn't have brought my money in the studio. I was told I'm welcome back next year again. Woohoo.

Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here…