| Alec Baldwin / P.O.D. | |
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By Nick Mayhew
Sports review-
Excuse me, but who called it? After what some say was the most impressive show in the ice's history, the Canucks beat the team who had the best regular season record. Now they move to their own turf and will, I said will, no wait-
THE CANUCKS WILL BEAT DETROIT IN THIS SERIES.
Ok good, that's done. The Devs are not doing good either, which might make a certain Bob unhappy.
Now, the NBA lineups are all set, so I'm giving my annual first round predictions-
Eastern Conference-
Nets vs. Pacers- NJ has beat them many times this year, but that was 1st half of the season. However, NETS IN 4.
Detroit vs. Raptors- Toronto has had a real bad year, quite a few losing streaks. Stackhouse is gonna be big in this series. PISTONS IN 5.
Bahston vs. 76ers- Even though the 76ers have beat them several times this year, the 'tics will rule out in this one with the help of Antoine Walker. CELTICS IN 5.
Charlotte vs. Orlando- DUH. This one's easy. Brown has about 10 rebounds per game which will pay off now. HORNETS IN 3.
Western Conference-
Kings vs. Jazz- "Mr. Malone, why can't I grow?" "Shut up Stockton, you scrawny white ass." No hope for them, KINGS IN 3.
Spurs vs. Sonics- On SC this morning, they flashbacked to the final 2 Spur/Sonic games, which were both decided by the last shot. I like them for this round, but not after. SPURS IN 5.
L.A. vs. Portland- You're kidding me, right? LAKERS IN 3.
Dallas vs. Minnesota- Kevin Garnett has done a fantastic job this year, which will help him now. MINNESOTA IN 5.
How's Davie look? Damn good. Wells pitched excellent the other night, and the team is doing great too. Struggling a bit? Yes, but that's because half of the team is new and they're still adjusting to each other. But by October, I assure you we'll have Razor Randy and Stunning Schilling eating out of our hands, not to mention Gonzo too. The only thing that bothers me is Bernie's batting average. Too low. He's probably one of the best on the team, if not, the best.
I made my annual trip to the Yankee/Bahston/Montreal game yesterday, this year, picking Montreal as my destination to see Vlad and Piazza duke it out. No wait, Piazza isn't playing- shit. I found by $4.00 seat in Olympic Stadium right in the crowd of everybody- and when I say crowd, I mean the smelly dude with the Led Zepplin shirt, who's chugging beer faster than the 7 train in New York. Anyway, we got there, the game started good, then Trachsel gave up a 3 run dinger to Lee Stevens. That was the game; poor defense really cost them this one, especially Roberto Alomar, not to be confused with Sandy Alomar. The Expos won 5-3, and they deserve it- they played well.
By the way, knowing how tight our securities are around the U.S. borders and everything, here's a nice little chat I had with Greg, my inspector at the border on Friday-
Greg: Where do you live sir?
Me: Tora Bora, New York
Greg: Where are you traveling to?
Me: To blow up a fucking building
Greg: Has anyone asked you to bring anything into Canada?
Me: Yes, I've got everything from crack and dynamite to handcuffs for your mother!
Greg: How long are you staying?
Me: Till I get all my 72 virgins you asswipe!
Greg: Ok sir, you're all clear. Have a nice trip.
Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and his normal clothing this week
"Dagger", langev@berkshire.net writes-
Nick,
This line in your review caught my eye: "Me: Hey mom, that guy that you saw in the paper and whos gonna be at Northern Lights on Tuesday night is gonna be on SNL tonight!"
Are you a resident of Vermont and, by any chance, a fan of WEQX?
The SNL reviewer known as "Dagger."
Thanks for writing. As a matter of fact, I'm not a resident of Vermont, but I do get and listen to sometimes WEQX, 102.7 FM. I'm from Albany, and 102.7 was giving away tix to W.K., which I was tempted to go to, but after his SNL gig, I sad, "nah." I go to Northern Lights a lot, which as you probably know is up on Rte. 146 next to the huge boat shop. If ya have anything further, email me.
Stephanie, jy921@msn.com writes-
Dear Nick,
I Have to agree with you on the subject of Maya Rudolph. This is her in three ways. 1) She Sucks 2) She Sucks Hard 3) She Sucks Wicked Hard.
I guess Lorne Michaels was drunk when he hired her, I love Chris Parnell,Amy Poehler,Tracy Morgan, and Jimmy Fallon(despite the fact that he has no focus and breaks character all the time). I hate Seth Myers Because I think He can't act and He like The RED SOX!!!!!!! I am a DIE HARD YANKEE FAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My question is to you is how does Lorne Michaels pick the featured cast and when Will Maya leave(send my regards to chris parnell and tracy and amy)
Sincerely,
Stephanie
Another fan, besides supercool Jess, who thinks Maya sucks. Thank you Stephanie. Yea, Lorne must've been drunk while doing this or Maya took too many needles from Chicago Hope or City of Angels and injected them into Lorne because I don't think she should be on the show right now. He should've dumped her last summer. Seth is cool, and he's good on the show. As a diehard Yankee fan too, I have about .00000001% Red Sox blood in me, which makes Seth cool. Lorne usually takes the newbies from Second City and stuff and makes them featured, like all the new guys this year, with a few exceptions only when Lorne thinks they should start on regular cast. I hope Maya leaves this summer, but she probably won't. She'll be off by SNL30.
The Daily plug-
http://mecha.raitaro.com/snlquiz/, check this one out and see what SNL loser you are. Some of the people on this loser list really don't belong there (ahem, Miller)
Spin Doctors this Thursday at Northern Lights
Jon Stewart at the Palace Theater this Saturday
Have we changed since September 11th? Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but for me, there is no more reassuring proof that America has not fundamentally changed since September 11th than the stirring sight of a shiny-suited executive simultaneously screaming into his cell phone, flipping me off, and screeching through an 80-mile-per-hour left turn through a red light in his black, sperm-whale-sized S.U.V. sporting two tiny American flags. It all makes me wonder. Was the "we have changed" mood of the country after September 11th more a figment of our imagination than John Nash's friends at high tea? Immediately following September 11th everyone entered a sort of undeniable and palpable state of shock. Daily life was suddenly and utterly disrupted, priorities shifted drastically convenience evaporated security tightened, "Access Hollywood" began playing the serious music. Many of you tried to find safety and refuge in your homes, seeking the solace and security of being among family and friends, while others of you were simply too afraid or depressed to go anywhere outside or stop watching television. And what you saw on the television caused you to be completely enraged and horrified by humanity. You became tri-multaneously terrified, racked with guilt, and suspicious of everything and everyone. In other words, you became me.
I remember my reaction after September 11th. I immediately began viewing my fellow citizens as though they were cherished family members, unless of course I didn't trust their looks. And by the way, if anybody who resembles that goofy asshole with the shoe bomb ever sits down next to me on a plane, I'm gonna call the stewardess over and say, "Hey, unless this jackoff is the harmonica player for J. Geils, get him off the fucking plane." I never enjoyed air flight, but now I don't board a plane without taking a moment to shoot myself in the thigh with a tranquilizer dart. As a matter of fact, I don't get on until my blood is coursing with enough thorazine to drop an epileptic rhino. Let's see What else has has changed? Certainly Afghanistan has. Now that the Taliban has become the Right Said Fred of governing bodies, Afghanistan actually has a ministry of women's affairs, headed by a woman. America doesn't have a ministry of women's affairs, unless you count the delightfully sassy women of The View. They always tell it like it is. You go, girls! You have to admit phone sex has gotten a lot hotter in recent months. There's just something spicy about knowing that John Ashcroft might be listening in. As for what many are calling racial profiling in the aftermath of September 11th, well, get ready to be pissed off, you ACLU-Fucking-Morons, we're dealing with a massive threat and limited manpower, so, you want them to check everybody out equally? Sure, fine okay, but let's at least compromise and put the Swedish dwarf a little further down the list than the Iraqi explosives expert carrying a Belgian passport with more eraser marks on it than Mariah Carey's trig final.
What else has happened since 9/11? Well, we've changed the way we look at our public officials, Cheney is no longer a heart attack joke, but a cagey domestic leader who sidesteps the limelight so that the country can focus on the man at the top: Donald Rumsfeld. Just kidding, Georgie. You da man. Americans now place so much trust in George W. Bush, think so highly of his skills, respect him on such a deep level as a leader, that you'd think he had broken his marriage vows with a 21-year-old intern. We need to re-evaluate who our friends really are. All 19 hijackers were from the Middle East, and yet many of our so-called allies from that part of the world claim to feel our pain with all the fake sincerity and false bewilderment of Winona Ryder looking for her sales receipt. On the whole, the tragedy hasn't transformed America so much as we've Americanized it. The real tactical mistake the terrorists made in trying to disrupt our society was that, in attacking us in such a monstrous public way, they brought us together. And if there's one thing we Americans have learned from decades of public beaches, traffic jams, and crowded shopping malls after Thanksgiving, it's that we hate being together. And that's why were gonna fight like hell to restore our God-given right to get the fuck out of each other's faces.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com
Tonight's guest has wowed us in the past and present with the outstanding movies he's appeared in, and tonight he's here to promote his 10th time hosting Saturday Night Live. Please welcome Alec Baldwin.
[COLD OPENING] FOX News
Mr. Baretta, nicely done! This was a pretty cool opening. Why were the anchors and most aspects of this stupid and ridiculous you might ask? Because Fox news does suck major monkey balls. They sure bite the big one. We see Will and Ana back again- which is excellent by me, probably the best male-female lineup on the show. If Will could talk any gayer, I think Andy Dick would declare himself straight. That's a compliment Will. Tour of Terror, ehh Geraldo. That never gets old and he does it so well, saying he's taking a break form his ridiculous Middle East trip to get a hit on the Blake story. If they let a bird say LFNY, they're gonna have to let me say it now.
RATING: 8.5/10
[MONOLOGUE] Alec Baldwin
One of my fave monologues of all time was the Tom Hanks one back in 1990, his 5 Timers Club one. This was Alec's 10th time and I really thought they'd do one of three things- brought back Steve Martin, Goodman or the likes, 10+ hosts themselves; go backstage and talk with Lorne and the cast about hosting 10 times and grilling him for always coming back; or made it funnier. This wasn't terribly funny, and Darrell makes his appearance in Baldwin's mono for the second straight time, this time playing Gore. This was merely ok. Best line was when Gore questioned him about saying if Bush is elected he'll move out of the country and thought he misspoke himself. Darrell's Gore laugh is more retarded than Keanu Reeves in Hardball. Not bad…
RATING: 7/10
[COMMERCIAL] Classic Cotex Pads
I laughed this time too. It's still funny- Tracy being the best, "Those girls are old school."
[SKETCH] Gay Voice Mail
This is classic comedy folks. I liked all of it, the gay voice and stuff. Now, c'mon, don't tell me that you've never thought your voice sounded like that. C'mon, you have. See, I knew it. This was gayer than Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax." Oh wait, they played that song. I have this long-running joke with my friend about Frankie and this song, cause it's all gay; they lyrics, the sounds, and we always joke around with this song. "Shoot it in the right direction","Relax, don't do it when you want to suck it to it." I pretty much shit my pants. Good sketch.
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] Girlfriends
Another good sketch, good comedy. Whenever I see Tracy on, I always crack up no matter what, even if the sketch ain't funny, I still manage to laugh somehow. And him playing a woman and acting all old and stuff was cool. And hey, this got Dean some more useless air time! (queue fake enthusiasm). Topped the sketch off with Ferrell as usual shouting, "I want a divorce" while going down hard on an old black lady. Kudos to another good sketch.
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] The Osbournes
Anytime Horatio does Ozzy it's hilarious! You can never understand a word he's saying, and he had to sing out his lunch order here. Watching the dog take a shit on the couch and cleaning it, $40. Watching Sharon get pissed at Ozzy about him being an ass then breaking something while throwing it at him and fixing it, $28. Seeing Ozzy sing his lunch order, Priceless. I agree with ya Seth, WTF is he saying?! A great sketch. They should do this like "The Real World" when they did it back in 95, not sure if it was the same back in the Farley era, but have little 1 minute clips of the show. I'd like that, and I liked this too.
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] The Cardinal's meeting
It took a real long time to get to the punchline, but Alec really sold it at the end which was hilarious. "I'll be there yesterday." Jimmy said that but they used that same phrase last week in the Neil Diamond sketch. Boo.
RATING: 8.5/10
[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
This was an awesome update. Its excellentness was outstanding. No, it was. I loved the Star Jones joke and for about .00000005 seconds I thought Tracy would actually jump out from nowhere and eat Tina or something. I always wondered why they didn't do an Ally McBeal sketch, but anyway, Rachel was back playing her, but Rachel, you need to drop some lbs to play a chicken wing like that. Her dialogue was good though. Seth drops by again, in character, and all the energy he didn't uses during his commentary I used at home laughing / or in front of a pic of Amy. Speaking of which, she did a nice job of playing Feyster's daughter. When Jimmy said he wears jeans under his desk to Amy, I told Amy and Tina that I don't wear pants and got a telepathic message back from them. This was hilarious though…
RATING: 9.5/10
[MUSIC] POD
What to do, what to do? I get so much feedback from people about how I base my rating here based on the genre of music, so let's break it down then-
POD is the rap-soul-rock-country-punk-disco-Christain-classic-modern-Muslim-bluegrass-opera-nude music group, so I'm in a dilemma as what to give. I don't grade based on genre at all. Well, maybe I do.
RATING: 8/10
[SKETCH] The Luvahs
Go ahead, throw a pie at me now. Do it. Cause I like this sketch. However, this one was a bit of a disappointment, not coming close to the greatness of the Jack Black one. I still liked it though. Ferrell really tries to make Rachel laugh during these, cause he's always making those noises that you can't hear on the tv. How do I know he does this, remember Amy and Tina telepathy? The ending was cool as usual, a goodie but a baddie.
RATING: 6/10
[COMMERCIAL] France
I was up in Montreal Saturday, and most of the French were nice to me. This was wicked funny though. This kicked more ass than that old dude from Different Strokes.
RATING: 9.5/10
[SKETCH] The Tony Bennett Show
He does a fairly good impression. This was Kattan's only appearance in the show. Not a good choice, I may not like him, but he does a lot for the show. The gay jokes and stuff that Alec made were hilarious. Good stuff still…
RATING: 8/10
[T.V. FUNHOUSE] A Cartoon by Robert Smigel
I liked last years season finale one, and this still kicked ass. Woohoo. I like Yogi, I always used to watch him when I was younger, and who's to say I still don't. I mean, ummm, yeaaaa. Anytime you see a stupid bear putting his hands in his pants, scratch his crotch, and sniff it is good enough for me. The Lorne thing was good too.
RATING: 9/10
[MUSIC] POD
Don't put me through this again, I've already shoved my head down the toilet before- when Pink was MG.
[COMMERCIAL] My Big Thick Novel by Jack Handey
Ehh, ok.
RATING: 8.5/10
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Gay Voice Mail
PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Ana Gasteyer
QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Jimmy Fallon discussing relationships between white men and black
women, "Of course I've thought about what it would be like to get it on with an old, black lady. I'm a man."
OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 82/100
Wow. I really liked this episode. Rating seemed high to me, but all of the sketches were rated very good, which makes the rating cool. No Inside the Actor's Studio?!?! Someone's gonna lose their balls over this. A great show, but just a notch lower than last years, which I REALLY liked. You can always count on a good show when he hosts; and I'll always want to see him come back. Next time we chat Kirsten Dunst (damn) and Eminem (double damn) and if im lucky enough and pull it off, I'll be talking to you live from NYC next live show.
Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here…