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By Nick Mayhew
Sports review-
Now we all love the Red Sox, cause of Fenway Park, and the whole history bit and stuff, but they have now, as I type, beat the Yanks 2 straight games and now have taken the series. DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least I can still rub the 1918 thing in, right? Wells had an outstanding day yesterday, but relief blew it all between Mendoza and Mariano, speaking of which had his first blown save of the season and 1st since well into last season. You've got only three guys on the team hitting over .300 though, which is starting to show the weakness, especially in there efforts of losing 5 games so far. And Bernie has only a .220 average; he's a great guy and a good ballplayer, but maybe if they got Zimmer to do something, we might be better off. Cards are off good (they're my fave NL team), and Detroit- haha. What a joke.
Today's matchup is Mussina vs. Wakefield- with Mussina pitching at a 2-0 record, and almost 2.20 era, they're gonna pull it off, and win the afternoon game tomorrow too.
Knicks- God save us. Look for New Jersey and the Lakers to be in the big game this year.
Bahston- we clinched conference? What??? Bill Guerin must've tag teamed with Murray last night; both getting their 41st goals of the season, which ends the season and gives them a good umpf for the playoffs. I still like Vancouver to make it too.
Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and 50 years of NBC Late Night and his goofy looking, lightbulb shaped head
This one comes from Amanda Rigoli, acm143@yahoo.com
Dear Nick,
I agree with your opinion that the sketches from
Saturday were saved by the senior castmembers. Who do
you think is leaving this year? My guess is that it
will be a mass exodus, with Tracy, Chris K, Ana, and
Darrell all leaving. I can't even comprehend Will
leaving, and I refuse to accept that he ever will.
The only way to save the show the next year is if
Chris Parnell gets the leads in 80% of the skits. He
is so talented, and I cried for 3 weeks when I thought
he was gone for good.
I really enjoy reading your reviews, and agree with
almost everything you say - I just have one question
though, how can you think Amy is hot?! Her teeth and
mouth are so messed up -she looks right at home as
that trashy character from America UnderCover or
whatever that skit is. Maya is probably my favorite
female, I think she's great, I don't know why you
think she sucks.
I have a favor to ask when you go to the show. If you
get a chance, tell Parnell that you got an email from
a girl who thinks he's the sexiest guy ever to be on
the show!! I love him!!!
Later,
Amanda
Well Amanda, senior castmembers seem to be carrying the show right now. When they leave, one of two things will happen. The show will develop a new kinda motif, will the Gen X crew, and they'll get airtime cause the seniors left, or the show will have higher amounts of suckiness then Pammy and Kid Rock. As for who may leave- tough to say as many of them are up in the air, but I'd call for Darrell only right now (he's wanted out but might end up staying). Everyone else is up in the air, especially Ana, because that will all depend on what happens with her kid. Dean will probably leave, and call me crazy, but I have this funny feeling that Horatio might leave too, but don't hold me to it. You are right, Parnell is excellent and will head the show when Ferrell leaves. Amy is my sex goddess. Period. Her looks are good enough for anyone to develop a harder one than Chris Rock's monologue. Maya is somewhat hot (I stress somewhat) but has no acting talent whatsoever. No wonder than District of Angles or whatever the hell it's called didn't work out. If you said to deliver that message to Fallon, I would've killed myself, but you said Parnell, and he's cool, so I'll do my best.
The Daily Plug-
http://snlhq.cjb.net - I've decided to reinstate the 'sketch spoilers' each Saturday, so those of you who enjoy them, just visit the HQ and they'll be up. Also, we've got some other news and new features. Plus, this summer before the new site is revealed in September, we're gonna add numerous sections to the site to make even better to visit. The release date is targeted to be September 1st.
As it's been apparent that this year will mark the last time that fellow reviewers will be reviewing, and I will be returning next season, but I thought I would do my "oddball review" on the other reviewers in the community for my season finale review.
What's the deal with the media? It becomes more apparent that they continue to hold a strong influence over us. Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but, these days, truth in media has been pushed further into the backseat than loose change during a shuttle launch.
I think it's a problem that you can't watch the nightly news without longing for the relative intellectual integrity of those thought bubbles on "Blind Date."
If you're looking for empirical truth on TV, you're watching the wrong kinescope. TV news wants you entertained first, informed maybe. There's more useless eye candy in te n seconds of Headline News than in 24 hours of the Cartoon Network. And don't try to argue that all that shit on the screen is information I need to know. Nobody cares about the temperature in Bozeman, not even the people in Bozeman. That's why they've mo ved to Bozeman: they've given up.
Look, the truth is that in cost conscious, bottom line America all the major news organizations have been removing key positions like they were editing an Iranian edition of the Kama Sutra. Instead of reporters o n the scene gathering facts, what we're left with is an overstuffed, oxygen starved fish farm of opened mouth trout swimming in circles with absolutely no idea what they're talking about. The other night MSNBC had a leading authority on Al Qaeda and it tu rned out his only credential was that his name was "Al Qaeda."
In today's information economy, the old journalistic mandate of "Get it fast, first, and right" has been downsized to just getting it fast and first. Today's idea of an "investigativ e report" is one they remembered to run a spell-check on. And the line between fact and opinion gets stepped on more frequently than the feet of a circus clown slow-dancing with a scuba diver.
Also I don't trust anything said by a news anchor who doesn't have a believable hairpiece. How am I supposed to take seriously any guy with hair that makes the molded plastic thatch on a G.I. Joe's head look natural? Why should I believe his mouth when his scalp is screaming "liar"? (ANCHOR VOICE:) "This just on..."
And nothing is more skewed than local news during sweeps. The I-Team takes their hidden cameras down to any business that doesn't advertise with the station to ferret out the potential dangers to the consumer. You never see them do a story on used car salesmen because they pump in too much ad revenue. Instead they storm the barely English speaking mechanic who is trying to feed his eight kids , who charged the undercover reporter with a forty-thousand dollar surveillance briefcase an extra nickel for a sparkplug. And it's all hyped with overly dramatic upcoming-story teasers that sound like Adam West reading "War Of The Worlds" to the blind.
Look, we know each of our major newspapers comes with an established point-of-view. T he New York Times' is that of a liberal Northeastern academic. The Wall Street Journal's is that of conservative corporate America. And USA Today's is that of Sean Penn's character in "I Am Sam" after inhaling paint fumes.
But on the whole, the re is no liberal or conservative bias? Come on, does anyone really believe that chick Ashleigh Banfield on MSNBC has an agenda that goes any further than launching her own line of eyewear?
The sad truth is, we don't object to the slanted nature o f our news because being told how to think is easier than figuring it out for ourselves. Media bias is just the latest in a long line of American labor-saving devices that began with the cotton gin and will likely end with us swaddled in our full-sensory La-Z boys, while a holographic Wolf Blitzer gnome dances on your man-breasts and yips, "Bad stuff happened to other people in the world today, but not to you, Pumpkin. That's the news. Have another bear foot."
Let's be honest with ourselves. Yo u want the truth? You can't stay awake for the truth. We want police chases, mudslides, and world leaders caught on tape having sex with their daughter's piano teacher. We don't give an embryonic rat's ass about Enron, the Middle East, or the new Campaign Finance Reform bill because it's way too complicated and depressing. When we come home from a hard day at the office, all we want is to kick our feet up on the coffee table, pop open a cold one, turn on the television, and be reassured that everyone in the world is more fucked up than you are, especially the people reporting on it.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
I wanna know what you think, America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com
Tonight's guest has had an outstanding career with the World Wrestling Federation, and "The Great One" is starring in the upcoming movie, "The Scorpion King." Please welcome The Rock.
[COLD OPENING] George W. Addresses the nation
Just a typical Dubya opening. Nothing really stuck out here, but I still found it funny as usual. When he's saying a sentence, then looks off to the side like someone is watching him or he's so proud of what he said, he feels like he's gonna shit his pants, as the real prez would do.
RATING: 7.5/10
[MONOLOGUE] The Rock
This was bland. Not nearly as funny as last time, but it was still ok. Kattan punching him and The Rock's reactions were funny. Not bad…
RATING: 7/10
[SKETCH] Brian Fellow's Safari Planet
Jimmy made an ass of himself again by laughing. Rock looked uncomfortable in a funny sense. I liked this one much more than the Spears on, but not better than BBT one, but it still kicked ass, so yea. Best part was when the bunny ordered all that stereo shit and ordered it to his credit card and Tracy flipped out…
RATING: 7/10
[SKETCH] The Scorpion King
A nice intro, then, what the hell?! Jimmy fucks up again and laughs. 1 point off for that. Otherwise, I liked it. Seth was great as Rocky's kid, and the song they sang was funny too. Jeez, Seth, I hear ya too about the strict parents. We should have a massive rebellion against them, and overthrow them They say, "go to your room!" I say, "Fuck you and these fucking rules, I'm doin' whatever the fuck I want!" Hey now, who's with me? Seth kinda acted like that but at a much more appropriate level. Everyone was slaughtered.
RATING: 7/10
[COMMERCIAL] Arthur Anderson
Those dipshits over there deserve this abuse. Parnell made the excellent spokesman again, and it was all funny. The commercials begin to be the best parts of the show.
RATING: 9.5/10
[SKETCH] Hardball
Are you kidding me? One of my current fave recurring sketches is back. They had one to air for the Paltrow/Adams episode but it got cut. This kicked ass in so many ways; it kicked my ass, my dog's ass, and my t.v.'s ass. This was downright funny, and Jimmy didn't even break character. "Penis Navy", "Vagina Coastguard". I freggin shit my pants. That was excellentness at its finest. Senorita Begala came back, and funny like hell as usual. This ruled my night last night instead of Amy.
RATING: 10/10
[SKETCH] Drunk Girl
Out of the update routine, this was good. Now, had more of the cast been involved, I probably would've liked it better. That's a good idea- have Jeff go around the studio drunk and make something funny of it. Yea, that's the ticket. I liked this though.
RATING: 8/10
[SKETCH] Arguing couple on the train
Maya: Hey Tracy, how come I never get any air time like Amy?
Tracy: Damn girl, you lookin fine tonight!
Maya: I'm serious Tracy, why is it
Tracy: Don't sweat it man, I don't get air time either
Maya: And all my recurring sketches suck
Tracy: Damn straight. I say 'hilarious' and that's my recurring sketch
Maya: You're right. Since I suck, why don't we make a skit that sucks together?
Tracy: How bout we go to my dressin room?
RATING: 1/10 (btw, Tracy is one of my favorite's on the show, I'm just picking on him)
[SKETCH] Gaydar
I didn't see this becoming recurring but this was hilarious. Not as good as last time, but then again, I like Home Alone 2 better. Tracy looked hilarious, and Darrell was funny too. "If these guys are all gay, why is my parish priest here?" Suits the occasion. The Rock was funny too. And yes! Dean in his regular one useless role in one sketch a week. Thank goodness he's back!
RATING: 8.5/10
[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
After the extra protracted enduring WU last weekend, this may have been even shorter than the Conan one last year. However, despite it being shorter and more thin than Peter Jennings hair, I still liked it. The Alanis joke and the Brita filter ones were best, and Shalit was ok, but not that funny. A weaker one of the season by far…
RATING: 8/10
[MUSIC] Andrew W.K.
Me: Hey mom, that guy that you saw in the paper and whos gonna be at Northern Lights on Tuesday night is gonna be on SNL tonight! Ya know, the one with the blood gushing out of his mouth? Mom: ewwwwwwwww.
This guy made his 'live' performance look less live than a painful birth on ER. But, it's not rap. I feel stupid having my ratings based on the genre of music, but I really don't wanna hear rap.
RATING: 4/10
[SKETCH] Bigfoot and Neil "Shut your mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!' Diamond
This rocked my house all night long. Yes, my house did rock. Rocky in that suit cracked me up, and what can I say about Neil Diamond. Hilarious.
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] HBO: America Undercover
Well now, this is back. I like this sketch, and the setting was cool this time in the hospital. Why didn't Dean play his normal crotch sniffing ball biting stick-yer-face in self? I truly missed that. Why? That's Dean's recurring role! The penis guy! This skit still ruled and shook me all night long like AC/DC does.
RATING: 8.5/10
[MUSIC] Andrew W.K.
DUD. I like Jack Handey better anyday.
[SKETCH] Season's Greetings from SNL
I liked this but SNL screwed up as usual and cut this off. Still funny. But I didn't even see the goodnights! Booooo.
RATING: 8/10
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Hardball
PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Chris Kattan
QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews on Hardball talking about the crisis in the Middle East, "…and Prime Minister Sharon has a boner for bulldozers!"
OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 70/100
It had its moments. Lots of good material and lots of bad. Lorne need's to ass rape these 12 year old new guys and tell them to not laugh on the air. As it been the case with many of the hosts returning for their second time; it wasn't as good as the first time, but this one was still cool for me. Baldwin next week- YEES! And POD, the rock-rap-soul-punk-Christian-in your face-pop-up the walls and down again group, will serve as MG next week.
Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here…