| Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World | |
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By Nick Mayhew
Sports review-
Good lord. Well, I think we all know who looks stupid now. Let me just say that although I did pick them to win it all, Duke did have this coming to them. After all, they can only be on a great run for so long. However, I did pick Maryland to make it into the Championship Game so that's good. Some think that duke will make another run at the championship again next year- my call, don't count on it. It won't happen.
OPENING DAY!!!!!!!!!!!
This past Monday was opening day and boy was it great! And now we begin a season of raving of my hometown (well, almost) Yankees. They started in a slump right in the first game. Rocket wasn't looking too strong, but he'll pull it together (better than Pedro on a boat to Miami anyday). Not to mention the Yanks doing better (not by statistics though) than Barron's Braves. These guys need more strikeouts than I do another email from the National Baldness Society (I'm going bald incase you haven't seen). Anywho, it's only early into the season, but what's up with Tampa this strong this early?! Yanks will have it back this year. Surprises this year? Look for a strong Marlins team, they're gonna be good. World Series predictions? No way. Yes way-
Yankees vs. Dbacks OR San Fran
We can all sigh. Boston made the playoffs, even though Kvasha beat them in overtime on a breakaway that cost them the game.
I like the Knick approach of sucking. They're good at it. First time in 15 Years that they'll miss the playoffs!! Big guy on the team now seems to be Weaterspoon. He seems to score more than Bob Barron at NBC.
Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and his fake laugh
"S. Goldenberg", sgoldenberg@boxfrog.com writes:
Always enjoy your reviews! Isn't it a riot that Colin was so funny on
his own show, yet so un-funny on SNL?
Thanks for writing! I always enjoy getting emails like this instead of the ones Bob sends me full of, well, let's not get into it. Anyway, I appreciate that you like my reviews as it takes me quite some time to do and I'm glad to know someone is reading them. Colin was very funny on the show prior to his update slot (Colin Quinn explains the NYT). Then when he got that gig, he really wasn't funny. Now that he has (or had) his own show, he was hilarious! I just wish NBC would sign on for more eps.
On SNLHQ, we've added a message board, so those of you reading this at SNLHQ or s-n-l.com, check it out. If your reading this at voy, it's another great posting room too.
Castmembers in the news- (from FakeNews)
In yet more evidence that, yes, God hates you, NBC has killed production of 'Leave Me Alone' after a dispute with Happy Madison Studios over future syndication rights. The show's producers object to the network's rephrasing of standard wording in its pilot contracts designed to give NBC an advantage in negotiating potential syndication deals for its new programming with its affiliates and subsidiaries. NBC would then make the bulk of the revenue on the rerun market, and its stars, writers, and on-set producers would get a lower return on their work.
All though most newcomers to the sitcom business are eager to sign contracts under any circumstances, the Endeavor Agency and Brillstein-Gray Entertainment, Happy Madison's representing firms, refused to be pushed around, and let their 5 pm, Monday deadline pass, therefore driving NBC to terminate the project.
In case you're confused at all, it basically comes down to the fact that NBC's run by a bunch of god damn mother fuckers.
Now, there are already talks to bring 'Leave Me Alone' to another network, but NBC still owns the script, and the typical "mother fucker" thing to do would be to refuse to release the show.
That's all we know right now, but keep checking the site. We'll have more news just as soon as it's available… and as soon as we have time to rewrite the press release with lots of swear words and cynicism.
Well now, Jeff Zucker has once again been confirmed to be a certified god damned asshole. This has to be the most lucrative decision by NBC since pinhead Ohlmeyer fired Norm. I agree, Sandler may have gotten greedy over syndication rights, but with a GREAT show in the works and NBC being greedy bastards themselves, there was still no reason they couldn't have worked that out. That's my two cents folks.
Concert report-
So far, still going to The Who in July, Reel Big Fish is coming in 2 weeks, but don't know if I'll go. The Moody Blues are coming April 13th, so I might check that out, and Green Day on June 4th, plus DMB in July. That's so far.
I'm also debating whether or not going to New York to see "The Cheve Chase Show" this Friday or going to see George Carlin up here in Albany. What to do, what to do. I'll decide shortly.
RAW Report-
I went to RAW last Monday night, and boy, what a kick ass time I had. First match. This was Ric Flair's first fully led RAW. Man, he was awesome! We got new logos and new music which was cool. Then Flair vowed to us that RAW would be better than SD! and we all knew it would and will be. Rob Van Dam vs. Booker T. Ha. RVD took care of it and ended it with I think a Five Star Frog Splash. Then, out of nowhere, comes Vince McMahon. WE WENT NUTS. We were so pissed cause he wasn't supposed to be there! That scumbag was there to sign Steve Austin but Austin made the right choice in the end and signed with RAW. Then they disposed of Vince in the parking lot. Then Regal came out and took on Dudley. We all thought that Regal would win this, but after a long round, Dudley gets the upset win! I was shocked. A little later, Flair, who I now consider the greatest man, saw Trish and Terri fighting backstage so he thought the only way to win this was to have the two fight in bikinis and had the Paddle on the Pole match! Trish obviously won. Then HHH came out and we all chanted. Austin got so pissed at Vince, he went apeshit on him and flicked him off, then signed a contract with RAW, which was how the night ended, except Stone Cold coming out after for an encore.
Now to the isues. Why is class such an issue among people today. Do some people feel superior to other people? Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here but while there are still people in this country who have class, more and more Americans are freeing themselves from its bonds and celebrating their inner mullet.
But that's nothing new. The 13 colonies were the place that the loners, the losers, and the wanderers came to escape the rules and the formalities of the European continent. And what better way to get back at the Europeans for centuries of criticism and snobbery on the matters of culture and class than putting the Eiffel Tower on the Vegas strip?
Seriously, you want to see Americans with class, go to an all-u-can-eat buffet restaurant. My favorite is the family of four box-shaped individuals, one has side-burns, three don't, who barrel in wearing matching pre-stained jogging suits and high-fiving each other when they score a table within arms reach of the food barges. They line up and bow before the adversary like sumo wrestlers, then engage in a five-minute flurry of polyester and animal fat that would make John Waters wince. They then mule-train back to base camp and proceed to dig in like trapped miners running out of air. After 20 solid minutes of communicative grunting, only briefly interrupted to spit gravy on a napkin fire started by cutlery sparks, the sated quartet of carbo-toadies pushes back from the table, chair legs screeching like a stopping train, eyes the dessert bar, and lets out a long, loud, hauntingly harmonious burp so filled with yearning that it would bring tears to the eyes of an opera critic. Then the one with side-burns says, "Does my lady care for jello?" Now that's class.
When I was growing up I always thought the perfect example of class was Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies. There was just something about the way she kept her equanimity no matter how poorly Mr. Drysdale's craven behavior reflected on the bank. Later I realized Ms. Hathaway kept everything close to the vest because if she let it all go she'd be trying to talk Miss Ellie into sharing a hotel room in Palm Springs for the Dinah Shore golf classic and they'd have to cancel the show.
Folks, there's no escaping it. We are Americans. Our houses are on wheels, our sofas are on our porch, our frying pans are filled with Steak-ums, our Sears denim jackets are Bedazzled, our front yard bathtubs are filled with the Virgin Mary, our driveways are littered with broken Big Wheels, our dogs have three legs, our back yards have satellite dishes bigger than our house, our cigarettes don't have filters, our old tires are used as planters and our love of God and country is so strong we are even willing to miss bowling for a night to stay home and help our neighbors get their house back up on the cinderblocks. We're all just one "Sexiest Grandpa" T-shirt-purchase away from returning to our glorious hick roots.
If we want to be honest with ourselves, we simply must stop using the stigmatizing term "white trash." People of all races, creeds and national origins have assimilated into this great American melting FryDaddy through the vigorous exercise of the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of crappiness. You give me an immigrant from any thousand-year-old, refined, sophisticated culture and I guarantee you, by week's end, we will have him throwing a forehead-crushed beer can at the TV set during WWF SD!, yelling, "Dat ees focking boolsheet!"
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
America, I want to know what you think, give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com.
Tonight's guest has a long list of successful bouts in the film industry and has been recognized several times as a fine actress. Please welcome Cameron Diaz.
[COLD OPENING] The Culps
Nothing better than this. The pregnant joke worked in well. I didn't know they were that old! Anyway, good opening. Music choices were good this time, and I hope they do another before the season is out.
RATING: 9/10
[MONOLOGUE] Cameron Diaz
Now, this wasn't a typical MONOlogue, but I still liked it. Will made me shit my pants more than Monday night when Trish took on Terri. Will and Diaz having an ass contest was cool. His haircut made me laugh alone; he always looks funny in that. Good mono…
RATING: 7.5/10
[SKETCH] Awards Show
GOOD LORD SHOOT ME NOW! Dean is in the first sketch and has a starring role?!?! This is weirder than most of the Ernest movies. Anyway, good sketch. Parnell's bit really brought this up, he was so damn funny. I was rolling off my chair. Good stuff…
RATING: 7/10
[SKETCH] MTV Spring Break
A bunch of the hottest women of SNL ever together in skimpy clothing all in one sketch. Speak for yourself. I liked this cause MTV is real stupid. Tracy's part was classic, other than that, not bad.
RATING: 6.5/10
[SKETCH] SNL: 530th anniversary special
This ruled awesomely. Will and Ana were hilarious. NyQuil thing tied the joke in.
RATING: 9.5/10
[SKETCH] Astronaut Jones
I knew this would be back eventually. This is SO ridiculous it was funny. More funny than that dude with the spikey hair on The Wayne Brady Show. Anywho, this came back and was better this time and Tracy was funny as usual. 3 aliens was cool too…
RATING: 5/10
[SKETCH] Celine Dion
It's back! I missed this impression and Ana made a complete fool out of her which was awesome cause she sucks so bad in like 40 different ways. Good sketch…
RATING: 7/10
[SKETCH] Gorgeous Living
Amy was the perfect person to play this role and one of the best sketches of the night. Amy was hot. Period. Good rip off of HGTV.
RATING: 7.5/10
[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
This kicked ass in 4 major ways. ALL of the jokes were funny, Dean as Denzel and Maya as Hallie Berry (which was her best thing all season) kicked ass. That's kick ass #1. #2 kick asser was Tina's rant. #3 ass kicking was Jasper Hahn. This was great. Geraldo's bit rounds out as the #4 ass kicker of update. And robot Tina- that has to be one of Tina's best works. Hilarious!
RATING: 9.5555/10
[MUSIC] Jimmy Eat World
This sounded cool live and it was a cool band. Plus it wasn't rap. What a plus.
RATING: 9/10
[SKETCH] Peppers
Well, they'd probably bring this back before Kattan left. This is sadly one of his better characters. But I wasn't impressed.
RATING: 2.5/10
[SKETCH] MTV TV
2 MTV shows. Just goes to show how Lorne is trying to modernize the show into a shitty 11 year old format. This wasn't that good, and I don't watch MTV so I wouldn't know.
RATING: 4/10
[MUSIC] Jimmy Eat World
Liked the first song better.
[COMMERCIAL] My Big Thick Novel; by Jack Handey.
DUD.
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Auto Spokeswoman Awards Show
PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Will Ferrell
QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Will Ferrell as Marty Culp describing parenthood, "I didn't know this old pencil still had some lead in it as well…especially considering a painful and violent bicycle accident 12 years ago that left my testicles looking like 2 Silver Dollar pancakes."
OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 57/100
Now, some sketches were funny; but only with the Senior members which shows that the show is going down faster than Pammy on Kid Rock. Some high points, but mostly low, and not as good as the first time she hosted. Next week, The Great One and Andrew W.K. Dwayne will pull off a good show for us…
Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here…